A pub with no beer

"No farking BEER!... what do you mean there's no FARKING BEER you bald beanpole shaped freak!" exclaimed Cola, with her usual tact, at the barman of the Yew Fiddly.
"Im and im drunk it, to the last drop" Said the barman who could probably be nicknamed Lurch at this point.

Cola look over in the corner of the bar to see a small stocky pile of hairy malice talking to a Jeem-Bo. Well... to say talking might be stretching it..

"Ya..know... I can.. I can... out dwink ye..man.. anna look at this.. empty...EMPTEEEEE glass...you...you...farkin lucky... we're outta beer cos...ida..ida...ida.. kicked yer arshe I would. farkya." It said.

At this point it was hard to say it fell over but it at least leaned to one side and started snoring.

Cola approached Jeem-bo "You drink all the beer. I hate you."
"Hey der now meesy, aah didn't drink all of da beer - this mun had the last of it. I was trying to convince him to give it to me" He said.

"Who is this retard and why is there no beer in this pub!" proclaimed Cola at the rafters in general.

"Is name be Mr Swell, and the rest of the beer was stolen" said the barman polishing a glass as they always seem to be doing.

"Mr Swell?.. what kinda name is that" I asked
"Look whose talking Falconburger...ah-huh-huh" said Elfis. Prick.
"Point taken" I said and went back to my book.
"Woof" said batman... then he starting humping Mr Swells 'leg'.
"Who stole yer beer then Lurch?" asked Cola
"Well, there be a mad leprechaun livin up a tree not too far from here. She stole it, green haired trollip." He replied
"Ant you haven't gone to retrieef it vi?" asked Aahnult trying to to scrape his horns on the rafters.
"Small people scare me" Siad Lurch "They punch where it hurts"
"Well I'm suprised thats a threat to you...you androgynous tower of bald chicken" said Cola.
"You don't understand...she's SCARY!" complained Lurch.
"Leprechauns are hart to katch ya, but dey are nice with ein bit of pepper unt mushroomps unt pineaaahpoole onna stick." Said Aahnult
"Well... she uses MAGIC!..ask Mr Swell... he used to be tall!...He knows where to find her if you can get him to take you there..." said Lurch!
"What kinda magic?" I asked...suddenly interested in the world again?
"Ohh ees eet da magic dat shrinks your pe-...er.. oh nothink nevermind hey look ein spawwow" said Aahnult suddenly wandering off.
"Is it the kinda magic that...like.. when...when yer reading a book... ya suddenly find yerself in it?" Asked Mr Swell suddenly rising to consciousness
"Excuse me...before you pass out again...Do ya have a first name Mr Swell"
"*buuurp*...yeah...um... Mucks.... me name is Mucks"... then he subsided back into unconsciousness.
“Mucks Swell... when you wake up you’re going to show us where this green bitch who took the beer lives.” Said Cola.
"Woof" Said Batman... finally satisfied.