A Penetrating Scream

I think I'm suffering from Narcolepsy.... whatever that is...the amnesia keeps on making me forget... I keep on falling asleep. I need more of Mr Coffees magic. I'm twitching so much I think my outline is constantly fuzzy.

I woke up to a rather shrill and penetrating scream to find that the Very Bad Thing had been activated, its greased up ramming attachment thrusting forward with great thrusty lard force and malicious intent.

Hmm... That had to hurt.

I assume that funny felow Skook's body then went sailing off the edge of the cliff in to the smoking hole. Well.... it had to go somewhere as its not stuck on the end of the Very Bad Thing as one might expect.

Now that other fellow, Conning the Viking has broken free... it seems terror, much like lard, is a creat lubricant and he's wriggled free of his bonds. Maybe he got some on him as Skook became the hollow man. Lard that is.

The monkeys are quite agitated. The gerbils look disappointed.

He's running towards me... I could easily grab him and hide him in this hidey hole as he runs past..

But thats not what I'm here for... I need to find someone who can sail that boat I found in the tree.

Dawn of Skook

I found some yummy mushrooms on my way down the hill into the village... the precious told me to eat them. As i got closer i realised that the two hapless silly headgear fashion victims were none other than Conning the Viking and Skook. In terrible danger and in need of rescue.

I fell asleep waiting for someone to show up to do that. Now its just on dawn and when I woke up I noticed that the Very Bad things Fisting attachment has been lined up with Skooks backside and currently sits there dripping lard and ooze onto the stony ground while he begs an whimpers. There is a black haze around his head. Flies. Drawn to the kittyhat. It does make quite a sorry sight.

If I didn't know better I'd say this Skook fellow is the kinda person who'd say "Yeah man..cool... excellent... we'll link up and play Dawn of War at 7 on thursday...yeah maaaate.....maaaaate" and then not show up. Chaos Whore.

Of course... I don't know what Dawn of War is... being an amnesiac fop lost in the jungle... it must be the mushrooms talking. And I wouldn't hold it against him...

Oh look... the monkeys are winding up the Very Bad Thing... it sounds like it's under a lot of pressure.

Lard Arse

Hmm... now they are tying the silly head gear club to odd racks that leave them bent over the edge or the precipice looking down into the smoky darkness... and they are lining up the big ram thingy with Mr Horny Helmet's backside. Oh look... one of the monkeys has a big tub of lard and he's greasing up the end of the ram.

A gerbil has just sauntered up beside me... he has a few gerbil friends... they are pointing at the bound duo near the Very Bad Thing and rubbing their paws togther. It's strangly disconcerting to hear a gerbil do the Mwa a a aaah laugh...

The mad hatters are getting quite animated now.... well as animated as one can when tied to a rack while a monkey lubes you up with lard that is...

I think I'll sneak closer so I can hear their begging. After I comb my hair of course.

Temple of the Very Bad Thing

Well here I am hiding in the bushes and spitting out bugs. I'm at the top of the slighly smokey montain looking down at small stone village. It's some kind of temple. The evil cat hat loving monkey men seem to inhabit it, though it looks like it was built by creatures larger... the doors to the buildings are about 15 feet high. Maybe the monkeys of old wore really really big hats.

More intersting is the large wooden construction that dominates one end of the village. Of course it's the dramatic end of the village that kinda hangs over a cliff overlooking a hot looking hold in the mountain. The device is very odd indeed. Tied to posts in front of it I can see two strange looking fellows. One has a horny helmet... the other has a dead cat on his head.

Drawing on my vast knowledge of engineering, ritual sacrifice, evil monkeys, torture devices, seige warfare ... of which I have none... I'd say the device could be called a "Very Bad Thing".

Especially if you're tied to a post in front of it and wearing a silly hat.

The precious tells me to wait and see where that curious fist shaped ram on the device ends up...

The precious knows best.

Crazy people

I've set off on my trek up he fiery mountain (insert dramatic music here)... well actually its more of a smoking moutain... well... when I say smoking mountain.... it more a pointy mountain that might have once smoked... or even been fiery. Or both. I'm not a mountainologist.

The precious thinks I worry too much, told me to have some more magic precious drink... apparently my nervous twitch and darting eyes were fading. Can't have that.

The precious tells us that I must climb it... so climb it I will.

I was talking to a rock earlier... called itself Sanjeev. Said it'd just been laying around for ages. It was bored though. I would have talked more to the rock but then I heard high pitched whiney voices from the jungle... "Maaate...awwwww. cmon maaaaate...not nice maaaate!".

Obviusly a crazy person by the sound of it. I said farewell to Sanjeev the rock and moved on. Can't let the crazy people catch up with me.

Sleep is for wimps

I haven't slept in days... weeks even. Its a blur. But thats OK.

The precious is lookin after me. It keeps me going. With its energising drinks. The precious is goooood.

A manky monkey man tried to take it away from me. He did covet its shinyness.

I beat him with it. I beat him till the precious was shiny and red with monkeyblood.

Bad monkey. I went to the stream to wash the blood and monkey giblets from my face. My reflection didn't look like me. Huge eyes... red rimmed... insane grin/grimace...hair out of place. The precious likes it. The precious gave me more precious drink.


Every time I hear the crack of a hairyball falling from a tree and landing on the ground I dive for the bushes screamin SNIPER!. I don't know why. What is a sniper?... i seem to be wound up fairly tight. The precious tells me thats its good to twitch like this and talk to rocks incessently.

The precious also tells me that I must climb the mountain. The smoking mountain. I will do as the precious says. After I comb my hair. I shall climb the mountain.

Getting precious

After I dusted myself off, spat out the dirt, and quickly fixed my hair with the brill cream and mirror I took a closer look at the odd item in the ground.

It was some sort of hatch... no doubt leading to a hidden research lab where I'd run into a long lost scientist ...

No wait...

It was the curved edge of some amazing massive metal flying machine buried for a millenia... and digging it up could well unleash an invasion of...

No... not that... keep on digging...

Hmm... I've unearthed an strange and archaic artifact from a civilzation no doubt lost in antiquity. I polished the dust and scraped off the dirt and muck and bugs... slowly but surely becoming obsessed with it. Its mine. The shiny. All MIIIIINEEE!...

Nobody else may touch it...

Nobody!...

Its mine...

My....

Precious!!!...

and as I sneak off into the jungle, stroking the precious, ancient words gleam in the sun like fire across the side of my precious...

"Mr Coffee"