I wandered over that hill... and found a beach. It stretched for miles in both directions. Putting the gleaming water behind me I turned around to survey my island. My island. Why did I call it that?... strangely I feel that I should own it. Like I'm used to owning everything I can see. Odd that. Anyway... I can see that the land rises up towards a fairly high peak in the distance so I decided that higher ground was the order of the day.
Into the dark and mysterious jungle I went, and after about 3 hours of trekking thought tangled vines and sticky plants that seemed to actually TRY to grab me my second-to-none direction sense led me to a clearing. In the clearing was a smashed up cart, and a lot of fur. There was also a man in a silly hat and something next to him that I thought might be a person but I'm not quite sure.
The blonde fellow had a hat on that sprouted two mighty horns that were almost as tall as he was and he introduced himself as Conning the Viking and his trusty sidekick the peon Skook Squalder.
I said "Hi My name is..."
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Friday, August 19, 2005
Catastrophe
What the F***!,
A short time ago I found myself waking up.. groggy. I felt like someone has put me into a sack of hammers and thrown me down a stairwell. I was sitting against a tree amidst the wreckage of some sort of vehicle with a throbbing lump on my head. There were pieces of fur everywhere... like some kind of animal has literally exploded and next to me was a large round hairy wooden ball thingy. Scrawled on a piece of the wreckage was the word 'Auntie Gruvarti'.
Laying around me I found my possessions... well I assume they are mine as there is nobody else about. The clothes I had on were decidedly grotty... covered in something yellowish and greasy... and there was bloody fur on everything. I found a pocket mirror that had somehow survived my crash landing here... there's some brill cream, a comb, another mirror, and an apple (slightly squashed).
Around me is an alien landscape, strange trees with huge hairy balls tower above me. Sometimes their hairy balls fall to the ground making a curious clonk noise... and then a few minutes later a smallish hairy man runs out and steals the hairy balls. I heard a rather unnerving howl off in the jungle a short while ago too... I hope whatever it is only eats hairy balls and hairyball stealing hairy men.
It's quite warm here. I can smell the sea I think. Looking away from the wreckage of the thing that lays shattered around me I can see a path of smashed trees leading off over a small hill and beyond that blue sky.
Looking in the mirror as I slick back my hair with the brill cream and comb I think to myself... damn but you're a devilishly handsome chap.
The diary is a strange device... I can write upon it's magical surface but I can't look at the previous entries... it seems to be magically locked and only it's owner can open it.
I assume I'm the owner.... but... I can't remember who I am!
A short time ago I found myself waking up.. groggy. I felt like someone has put me into a sack of hammers and thrown me down a stairwell. I was sitting against a tree amidst the wreckage of some sort of vehicle with a throbbing lump on my head. There were pieces of fur everywhere... like some kind of animal has literally exploded and next to me was a large round hairy wooden ball thingy. Scrawled on a piece of the wreckage was the word 'Auntie Gruvarti'.
Laying around me I found my possessions... well I assume they are mine as there is nobody else about. The clothes I had on were decidedly grotty... covered in something yellowish and greasy... and there was bloody fur on everything. I found a pocket mirror that had somehow survived my crash landing here... there's some brill cream, a comb, another mirror, and an apple (slightly squashed).
Around me is an alien landscape, strange trees with huge hairy balls tower above me. Sometimes their hairy balls fall to the ground making a curious clonk noise... and then a few minutes later a smallish hairy man runs out and steals the hairy balls. I heard a rather unnerving howl off in the jungle a short while ago too... I hope whatever it is only eats hairy balls and hairyball stealing hairy men.
It's quite warm here. I can smell the sea I think. Looking away from the wreckage of the thing that lays shattered around me I can see a path of smashed trees leading off over a small hill and beyond that blue sky.
Looking in the mirror as I slick back my hair with the brill cream and comb I think to myself... damn but you're a devilishly handsome chap.
The diary is a strange device... I can write upon it's magical surface but I can't look at the previous entries... it seems to be magically locked and only it's owner can open it.
I assume I'm the owner.... but... I can't remember who I am!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Behold... the Pussywagon!
Well... last night Cassandra the gypsy attempted to read my future. She said much as I expected, the usual fame, glory, and veritable river of good looking women due to throw themselves at me. I mean... I could have told her that for nothing. There was a moment when I saw her expression flicker... I couldn't tell if it was fear or excitement... but it was gone as quickly as it arrived. No doubt she was having a vision of my future glory, or maybe she was reading my mind and could tell what that I was oggling her bossum. She then said she was going to do some hypnosis therapy of some sort that would energise my inner being. My inner being. I wondered if she meant the inner being downstairs that I wanted to be in her inner being? I was about to object when suddenly I found myself waking up... apparently I'd had too much wine. I'm not sure actually... its all abit fuzzy.
Now I find myself standing in Glocks workshop looking at a very strange contraption... it looks like an average ordinary everyday wagon. The type that would be drawn by two horses usually... except it doesn't have wheels. It has cats. Actually it has cats with buttered toast secured to their backs and they are connected the actual wagon via an ingenous g-clamp arrangement that has the cat constantly spinning on its axis so that neither its paws or the butter toast can touch the ground at the same time. You can probably imagine how you'd have to clamp a cat to make it do that. I won't go into details but I doubt it's comfortable. The cart hovers in the air like a hawk does over the field. It also has a large windmill attachment on the back that has one of the spinning cat toast devices at the centre.
Glock has names it after one of his relatives for some reason . He calls it the the Auntie Gruvarti Cart. So I'm writing this as I step aboard and prepare to release the lever that operates the windmill on the back of this contraption. I really doubt that its going to work... this Glock fellows a total nutter. But... as the brave and powerful lord it just wouldn't do for me to let some lackey be the first one to test it. Seeing as it can't possibly work... what risk is there to me... at least this way i'll be seen as brave and innovative by my subjects.
Now I find myself standing in Glocks workshop looking at a very strange contraption... it looks like an average ordinary everyday wagon. The type that would be drawn by two horses usually... except it doesn't have wheels. It has cats. Actually it has cats with buttered toast secured to their backs and they are connected the actual wagon via an ingenous g-clamp arrangement that has the cat constantly spinning on its axis so that neither its paws or the butter toast can touch the ground at the same time. You can probably imagine how you'd have to clamp a cat to make it do that. I won't go into details but I doubt it's comfortable. The cart hovers in the air like a hawk does over the field. It also has a large windmill attachment on the back that has one of the spinning cat toast devices at the centre.
Glock has names it after one of his relatives for some reason . He calls it the the Auntie Gruvarti Cart. So I'm writing this as I step aboard and prepare to release the lever that operates the windmill on the back of this contraption. I really doubt that its going to work... this Glock fellows a total nutter. But... as the brave and powerful lord it just wouldn't do for me to let some lackey be the first one to test it. Seeing as it can't possibly work... what risk is there to me... at least this way i'll be seen as brave and innovative by my subjects.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Back on deck
Well.. after my terrible illness i'm now feeling much better. With my perfect physical fitness and stunning physique it really is silly of any nasty virus to try and take me on. I knew it was only matter of time before I got well again. It was never in doubt.
Hmm.. what's been going on while I've been resting in my room?...
Glock has invited me to "Weetnus tha fyootya of trunsport" whatever the hell that means... in the morning. No doubt he has some new lunatic scheme.
Cassandra, the gypsy girl built of yummy is going to consult the omens tonight over a candle lit dinner and read to me my future. No doubt it will be full of glory and excitement and all the good things I deserve. If it isn't I might have to have her executed.
We finally located Jose and Pricilla!, they've been hiding in the cellars the whole time. It seems they got tired of the rats that now plague the castle and had to come out of hiding. I think after she avoided being burned at the stake as a witch she instead ended up feeling the heat of a different kind with Jose. I'm not sure what to do with the pair of them yet.
Von Snotgobbler has turned to guerilla tactics... raiding caravans and merchants on the road to my village. Cowardly git, he's too much of a wuss to attack the castle outright.
Some dark and swarthy man was caught trying to climb into the castle last night. He was apprehended of course by my elite guards (he accidently stepped in one of the privy buckets on the wall we were saving for Snotgobbler and slipped down the stairs rather noisily). He claims to be Cassandra the gypsies betrothed. Obviously a mad man, so I threw him in the dungeon. She never needs to know of course. It'd would only worry her that mad men were stalking her. So in the dungeon he'll stay, I'm doing it for her of course.
Hmm.. what's been going on while I've been resting in my room?...
Glock has invited me to "Weetnus tha fyootya of trunsport" whatever the hell that means... in the morning. No doubt he has some new lunatic scheme.
Cassandra, the gypsy girl built of yummy is going to consult the omens tonight over a candle lit dinner and read to me my future. No doubt it will be full of glory and excitement and all the good things I deserve. If it isn't I might have to have her executed.
We finally located Jose and Pricilla!, they've been hiding in the cellars the whole time. It seems they got tired of the rats that now plague the castle and had to come out of hiding. I think after she avoided being burned at the stake as a witch she instead ended up feeling the heat of a different kind with Jose. I'm not sure what to do with the pair of them yet.
Von Snotgobbler has turned to guerilla tactics... raiding caravans and merchants on the road to my village. Cowardly git, he's too much of a wuss to attack the castle outright.
Some dark and swarthy man was caught trying to climb into the castle last night. He was apprehended of course by my elite guards (he accidently stepped in one of the privy buckets on the wall we were saving for Snotgobbler and slipped down the stairs rather noisily). He claims to be Cassandra the gypsies betrothed. Obviously a mad man, so I threw him in the dungeon. She never needs to know of course. It'd would only worry her that mad men were stalking her. So in the dungeon he'll stay, I'm doing it for her of course.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Missy's Message
Hello,
Seeing as Mr Falconburger is...er... sick (well he's still sulking in his room) I thought it best I update the kingdom journal. Its snowing!. It never snows here... I mean it gets cold and all... but snow here at sea level is pretty unusual. No doubt it's the work of one of those witches he foolishly let into the castle. Nobody's found that wench Pricilla or the other two that went missing after Von Snotgobblers attack but I'm sure they're out there workin a spell of malice and frosty hatred. We should have let the villagers burn them when we had the chance. I can't abide pretty witches.
The plague of rats in the castle is getting worse as that mad bastard Glock seems to have stolen all the cats.
Oh..and nobody told me he'd let this Cassandra woman stay in the castle... he snuck that one past us!. He's a sly bugger... everyone else knows you can see right into that tower room from his bathroom... well everybody except her I suppose.
Well... I have to go into the village soon to fetch some things so I best be off now. I might even get time to visit the smithy, if I'm lucky. I'm certainly in the mood... and seeing as Jose isn't here...well... must be off!, things to buy, witch burnings to incite, towels to fold.
Missy.
Seeing as Mr Falconburger is...er... sick (well he's still sulking in his room) I thought it best I update the kingdom journal. Its snowing!. It never snows here... I mean it gets cold and all... but snow here at sea level is pretty unusual. No doubt it's the work of one of those witches he foolishly let into the castle. Nobody's found that wench Pricilla or the other two that went missing after Von Snotgobblers attack but I'm sure they're out there workin a spell of malice and frosty hatred. We should have let the villagers burn them when we had the chance. I can't abide pretty witches.
The plague of rats in the castle is getting worse as that mad bastard Glock seems to have stolen all the cats.
Oh..and nobody told me he'd let this Cassandra woman stay in the castle... he snuck that one past us!. He's a sly bugger... everyone else knows you can see right into that tower room from his bathroom... well everybody except her I suppose.
Well... I have to go into the village soon to fetch some things so I best be off now. I might even get time to visit the smithy, if I'm lucky. I'm certainly in the mood... and seeing as Jose isn't here...well... must be off!, things to buy, witch burnings to incite, towels to fold.
Missy.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
A message from Glock
Ahh have it on good authoit'eh thut our lord and masta thut tosser fulconbugger never reads is own diary once a day is gone... so ah'll take this opportinut'eh to examine tha magic book that 'e uses. I dunno whut 'es on aboot with this dreaded lurgi... 'es not sick. 'es just sulkin. Missy the Maid tells me thut 'e fell over in the bathroom, 'it 'is elbow or sumfin or some such tripe. There was also mention of the fuct thut 'e 'appened to be balanced on the edge of the bathtub ut tha tiyme whilst peerin across the wey through a certain layd'ehs tower windah... and that maybe 'e was caught unawares hence the sudden lack of balance. Anyway's Ah best be off and get back to meh workshop.... am sure me toasts almost done. ach. Aye. haggis etc.
PS 'es a right tool thut mun.
PS 'es a right tool thut mun.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Woe
A terrible plague has befallen me... I can barely lift my head... it could be days before i can possibly lift my quill and write anymore... if I don't die from this terrible and powerful sickness.....woe.... ;-(
Friday, August 05, 2005
Gypsies, Rats and Sniggers
I suppose its only right that I send someone into the forests to try and find out what fate befell Lord Thunderquark and his daughters. Not that I really care. It's a PR exercise really. Now who can I send into the enemy infested deathtrap of a forest?.... so many crack troops to choose from... experienced veterens and such. I really need someone with their wits about them to sneak behind enemy lines or the task could mean certain death.
I'll send that guard that sniggered yesterday. Yes... he's... appropriate. He's been on duty for at least a week... thats experience enough. I'm willing to chance his life anyway.
I went into the village this morning, dispensing all bits of food that had started going wrinkly in my larder among the thronging mudgrubbing masses. Really... the way they behave, biting one another and such you'd think they never saw fruit before in their life.
One good thing that happened was a chance meeting with a young gypsy girl, a fortune teller of sorts. Her name was Cassandra and I swear she really was made from all the nice bits. I may just have to invite her to the castle for dinner. Maybe get her to tell me my fortune or something. I did detect a slightly dark look from a bearded long hairy hippy of man who is also with the gypsies... probably plotting some nefarious scheme... gypsies are like that. Scoundrels.
I chanced a look in Glocks workshop... He's building a new carriage it appears... but it doesn't have wheels yet... its kind of odd looking. I mean... what kind of carriage needs an anchor?
We seem to be going though a bit of a plague or rats in the castle too. Probably something to do with the lack of Cats in the castle.
I think Von Snotgobblers force will arrive in the morrow to lay seige to my castle. The man is such an idiot. Oh well.. I best go and tell the privy cleaner to keep his buckets today rather than washing eveything away in the river. At least then we'll have something good to throw at him... and the pesants downstream will have some less icky water to brush their teeth in too. I'm such a caring guy.
I'll send that guard that sniggered yesterday. Yes... he's... appropriate. He's been on duty for at least a week... thats experience enough. I'm willing to chance his life anyway.
I went into the village this morning, dispensing all bits of food that had started going wrinkly in my larder among the thronging mudgrubbing masses. Really... the way they behave, biting one another and such you'd think they never saw fruit before in their life.
One good thing that happened was a chance meeting with a young gypsy girl, a fortune teller of sorts. Her name was Cassandra and I swear she really was made from all the nice bits. I may just have to invite her to the castle for dinner. Maybe get her to tell me my fortune or something. I did detect a slightly dark look from a bearded long hairy hippy of man who is also with the gypsies... probably plotting some nefarious scheme... gypsies are like that. Scoundrels.
I chanced a look in Glocks workshop... He's building a new carriage it appears... but it doesn't have wheels yet... its kind of odd looking. I mean... what kind of carriage needs an anchor?
We seem to be going though a bit of a plague or rats in the castle too. Probably something to do with the lack of Cats in the castle.
I think Von Snotgobblers force will arrive in the morrow to lay seige to my castle. The man is such an idiot. Oh well.. I best go and tell the privy cleaner to keep his buckets today rather than washing eveything away in the river. At least then we'll have something good to throw at him... and the pesants downstream will have some less icky water to brush their teeth in too. I'm such a caring guy.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
An Unfortunate Series Of Events
I stubbed my toe this morning. I was distracted and my normal lordly strutting ended in a rather undignified hopping up and down affair. A guard saw me. I'm SURE he sniggered. I'll watch him closely from now on.... obviously a bad apple, that
one.
I stubbed my toe because I was distracted by an unidentfiied flying object... well I think I know what it was. But I don't really think it could have been what it was... I mean... it looked like a cat with toast tied to its back spinning erratically though the air in an upwards fashion at breakneck speed. It made a rather unhappy meowoooooeeeooooowwwooooowwwoooeeeoowoww noise as it flashed past and into the stormclouds overhead.
Apart from that...nothing major has happened...
Pricilla and Jose are still missing.
Lord Thunderquark apparently had a nasty run in with Von Snotgobblers troops in the forest. Terribly unfortunate coincidence that he happened to venture in that direction instead of using the main road... i'll be needing a new fancy coach now... because upon seeing my flag upon the old one Von Snotgobbler went into a rage and made rather a mess of it. It's unknown yet as to the plight of Thunderquark and company.
The gypsies have started mixing with the villagers... plying their various trades.
Glock has been hammering and sawing and generally noisily at work on something in his workshop. I expect calls of "Fire! help!" or "How come there's a crater where the smithy used to be?" any time now.
I suppose I'll have to go out into the village someday now and make an appearance... act all lordy and stuff. One has to keep up appearances.
one.
I stubbed my toe because I was distracted by an unidentfiied flying object... well I think I know what it was. But I don't really think it could have been what it was... I mean... it looked like a cat with toast tied to its back spinning erratically though the air in an upwards fashion at breakneck speed. It made a rather unhappy meowoooooeeeooooowwwooooowwwoooeeeoowoww noise as it flashed past and into the stormclouds overhead.
Apart from that...nothing major has happened...
Pricilla and Jose are still missing.
Lord Thunderquark apparently had a nasty run in with Von Snotgobblers troops in the forest. Terribly unfortunate coincidence that he happened to venture in that direction instead of using the main road... i'll be needing a new fancy coach now... because upon seeing my flag upon the old one Von Snotgobbler went into a rage and made rather a mess of it. It's unknown yet as to the plight of Thunderquark and company.
The gypsies have started mixing with the villagers... plying their various trades.
Glock has been hammering and sawing and generally noisily at work on something in his workshop. I expect calls of "Fire! help!" or "How come there's a crater where the smithy used to be?" any time now.
I suppose I'll have to go out into the village someday now and make an appearance... act all lordy and stuff. One has to keep up appearances.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Glocks Speil
This Glock fellow is a strange unit. He came to me today while I was admiring myself in a mirror. He was carrying a cat, some toast and some butter and asked for me to witness a great discovery. Well actually he said "Aye Lud!, wheel yer follar meh oop onta the top of the wahl so's ah can shoe ye me wee experiment!"
So I found myself standing atop the wall, looking down on the peasants scabbling in the mud while Glock tried to hold the cat while he buttered the piece of toast. He then hurled them both off the wall. Then began this long winded *speil : "Uz ye cun see m'lord, the cut lunded on iz wee footsies und the toast landed on its bootery sahd, it huppens thut wey every tahm aah try it".
As the peasants fought over the cat and the toast in a flurry of buttery fingers and fur i pondered the wisdom of letting this lunatic live in the castle. Glock then wandered off muttering to him self about "cuts and booter and flying boogies'... So I went back to lording about as only a lord can.
Pricilla and Jose are still missing in action, Thunderquark has left in my fancy carriage for his little kingdom by the sea. I hope his driver took the shortcut I mentioned. I'm sure he will... Cedrick the woodsman assured me that a tree had accidently been felled upon the main road leaving only that option.
Rumour has it that some Gypsies have set up camp on the other side of the village too.
*Speil.... not sure if thats a word... but i'm the lord of the realm so I can make words up if I want. You know what I mean.
So I found myself standing atop the wall, looking down on the peasants scabbling in the mud while Glock tried to hold the cat while he buttered the piece of toast. He then hurled them both off the wall. Then began this long winded *speil : "Uz ye cun see m'lord, the cut lunded on iz wee footsies und the toast landed on its bootery sahd, it huppens thut wey every tahm aah try it".
As the peasants fought over the cat and the toast in a flurry of buttery fingers and fur i pondered the wisdom of letting this lunatic live in the castle. Glock then wandered off muttering to him self about "cuts and booter and flying boogies'... So I went back to lording about as only a lord can.
Pricilla and Jose are still missing in action, Thunderquark has left in my fancy carriage for his little kingdom by the sea. I hope his driver took the shortcut I mentioned. I'm sure he will... Cedrick the woodsman assured me that a tree had accidently been felled upon the main road leaving only that option.
Rumour has it that some Gypsies have set up camp on the other side of the village too.
*Speil.... not sure if thats a word... but i'm the lord of the realm so I can make words up if I want. You know what I mean.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Raising the Stakes
What a day. The soldiers failed to locate either Jose or Pricilla in the village. They did find a pyre with a stake in the middle of it all nicely prepared for a witch burning should there just happen to be one. The peasants even dragged some pews out of the church fo the elderly who wanted to watch. Thoughtful of them.
Lord Thunderquark, while quite upset about his missing daughter, has started packing to leave in a bid to distance his other two daughters from the slightly paranoid villagers. He claims that if Pricilla is not returned to him within one month he will return and burn my kingdom to the ground. I nearly missed that last bit because i was falling asleep during his pompous speech and ranting.
Meanwhile i've heard tell that Von Snotgobblers troops are on the move again... heading this way. Really, the guy will never learn. I can't even remember why he hates me so... hmm... i think it might have had something to do with his daughter... or his sister. I'm not sure. To much wine tends to make the memories a little fuzzy.
Thunderquarks coach has mysteriously broken down... so being the gracious host that I am, I've offered him the use of mine. A fine looking contraption proudly bearing my family crest and regalia. I even suggested a shortcut though the forests to the east cos I'm just a nice guy.
An alchemist/wizard type fellow also showed up today offering to provide me all manner of technological wonders... in a fit of curiosity I offered him some space near the blacksmith in which to work. His name is Howard Glock. He's rather hard to understand actually... having a broad foreign accent and all. But I'm all for multi culturalism and stuff. Besides... if he fails to provide me with new toys I'll make him the jester because he talks funny.
Lord Thunderquark, while quite upset about his missing daughter, has started packing to leave in a bid to distance his other two daughters from the slightly paranoid villagers. He claims that if Pricilla is not returned to him within one month he will return and burn my kingdom to the ground. I nearly missed that last bit because i was falling asleep during his pompous speech and ranting.
Meanwhile i've heard tell that Von Snotgobblers troops are on the move again... heading this way. Really, the guy will never learn. I can't even remember why he hates me so... hmm... i think it might have had something to do with his daughter... or his sister. I'm not sure. To much wine tends to make the memories a little fuzzy.
Thunderquarks coach has mysteriously broken down... so being the gracious host that I am, I've offered him the use of mine. A fine looking contraption proudly bearing my family crest and regalia. I even suggested a shortcut though the forests to the east cos I'm just a nice guy.
An alchemist/wizard type fellow also showed up today offering to provide me all manner of technological wonders... in a fit of curiosity I offered him some space near the blacksmith in which to work. His name is Howard Glock. He's rather hard to understand actually... having a broad foreign accent and all. But I'm all for multi culturalism and stuff. Besides... if he fails to provide me with new toys I'll make him the jester because he talks funny.
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