Jeem Bo slowly wakes up.
Jeem Bo finds himself alone in the dark forest. How long he's been here, he doesn't know.
Jeem Bo has lost his weapons, his clothes, his pack and is in a somewhat awkward (and shivery cold) position in the depths of the forest.
Jeem Bo doesn't remember getting here. The last thing he remembers is a blur of antlers, hooves, angry gay moose snorting and then... nothing.
Jeem Bo can smell Bourbon yet there is none to be found much to his disgust.
Jeem Bo can see a light somewhere to the north in the distant forest.
Jeem Bo can see a fig tree.
Jeem Bo can see a trail of blood leading south and notices that he has a considerable amount on his person. The blood is dry and crusty. Ick. It doesn't seem to be leaking from his own private reserve though.
Jeem Bo has fur in his teeth, scratches on his back and teeth marks in his arse.
Jeem Bo isn't happy.
Whats does Jeem Bo do?
************* VOTE *******************
So?... what does Jeem Bo Do?
Monday, February 05, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Man down, Cola burned, Falconburger stuck in a moment....
Pah!... *cough*.... clunk... tinkle...
Voices in the darkness... they sound like they are far away.
"Der he eez!, unter dat vubble der"
"Ah huh huh, c'mon man, lets dig him out"
"I sink he cast a magic shpell wit Apes book, ant judging by dat grin on hits face... even vith all day dirt in his teef ve should leaf dat book in his hant"
"I hear ya brother, help me lift this rock"
"Woof woof snarflyglaubsnoofsnoof"
"Butman stop with das humping! bad puppy!"
"Mein Got, he blew up half of das cave, he is lucky it didn't all cave in!"
"Ok... now were out where is the man mountain?... has he run runaway."
"I do now know but der has been a scuffle here look... footprints, hoof prints..."
"Ahuh huh, and look... something else... some sorta clawed prints"
"Arg... will you two farkwits stop with you're dicking around and get me patched up... C'mon ! I'm half dead here...*cough*... where the fark is our medic?... where is Abe?"
"Ape ist gone mein Cola, he died heroically savink you, and das new guy ist in a state from das magic. Jeem bo is missing and ve are all alone in das forest at night"
"Ah huh huh, don't worry baby, we'll look after you"
"Fark me. I'm doomed."
"Wuf wuf".
"Vell ve have a choice... der is a creek heading dat vay or the trail leading that vay, deeper into das forest. Ve know the stream heads tovards das loot filled ruins dat we seek but in das forest ve may find help for our fallen Cola, i sink ve might find an Inn or at least a cottage I hope"
"Ah huh huh.. or we could follow this other set of mangled footprints that might lead us to Jeem Bo..."
"Wuf"
"If I could move I'd kill myself an save myself the trouble. God i feel like my entire body is sunburned to the core... and how am I gonna get these stain out of this leather goddamit"
"Hey look.. I found das robe wot Jeembo wears over here in das bushes... ver could he be?... and look.. der is fur stuck to it... is it moose fur or something else?"
"Hey hey Batman, you hound dog... where did you find that gerbil?...ah huh huh..."
*****************************
Path deeper into the forest, looking for help for Cola ?... or follow the stream and see where it leads... or follow the footprints in the other direction looking for Jeem Bo?
Stream
Path
Footprints
Voices in the darkness... they sound like they are far away.
"Der he eez!, unter dat vubble der"
"Ah huh huh, c'mon man, lets dig him out"
"I sink he cast a magic shpell wit Apes book, ant judging by dat grin on hits face... even vith all day dirt in his teef ve should leaf dat book in his hant"
"I hear ya brother, help me lift this rock"
"Woof woof snarflyglaubsnoofsnoof"
"Butman stop with das humping! bad puppy!"
"Mein Got, he blew up half of das cave, he is lucky it didn't all cave in!"
"Ok... now were out where is the man mountain?... has he run runaway."
"I do now know but der has been a scuffle here look... footprints, hoof prints..."
"Ahuh huh, and look... something else... some sorta clawed prints"
"Arg... will you two farkwits stop with you're dicking around and get me patched up... C'mon ! I'm half dead here...*cough*... where the fark is our medic?... where is Abe?"
"Ape ist gone mein Cola, he died heroically savink you, and das new guy ist in a state from das magic. Jeem bo is missing and ve are all alone in das forest at night"
"Ah huh huh, don't worry baby, we'll look after you"
"Fark me. I'm doomed."
"Wuf wuf".
"Vell ve have a choice... der is a creek heading dat vay or the trail leading that vay, deeper into das forest. Ve know the stream heads tovards das loot filled ruins dat we seek but in das forest ve may find help for our fallen Cola, i sink ve might find an Inn or at least a cottage I hope"
"Ah huh huh.. or we could follow this other set of mangled footprints that might lead us to Jeem Bo..."
"Wuf"
"If I could move I'd kill myself an save myself the trouble. God i feel like my entire body is sunburned to the core... and how am I gonna get these stain out of this leather goddamit"
"Hey look.. I found das robe wot Jeembo wears over here in das bushes... ver could he be?... and look.. der is fur stuck to it... is it moose fur or something else?"
"Hey hey Batman, you hound dog... where did you find that gerbil?...ah huh huh..."
*****************************
Path deeper into the forest, looking for help for Cola ?... or follow the stream and see where it leads... or follow the footprints in the other direction looking for Jeem Bo?
Stream
Path
Footprints
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Atomic Wedgie
Meanwhile - back in the cave...
The critters crawled and wriggled across the ceiling towards us like giant questing translucent fingers full of malice and teeth. We scrambled back towards the cavern entrance... Aaahnult throwing the slimy half dead Cola over his beefy shoulders while Batman barked at the oncoming wormfest bravely... well... slowly backing towards the entrance with his chest puffed out and some extra drool spraying about as he barked for good measure.
The crawly menace that has swallowed Abe was now at the back of the pack of monsters no doubt savoring it's dinner who had now stopped struggling and was looking at us through its slimy hide from the inside as he rapidly started to dissolve. I'm not sure if Abe was already gone from pain or lack of oxygen but he still managed to fix us with a look of contempt... well... at least before his eyes dissolved. I kinda wish he'd stop glowing like that!
As if we didn't have enough problems in the cave with the crawly critters trying to eat us..... suddenly a terrible howl echoed into the cave from OUTSIDE... like a thousand people had suddenly been given atomic wedgie of epic and unwelcomely invasive proportions.
So here we are in full retreat, with wounded and one lost soul... back peddling into some other sort of trouble! What the hell is going on outside with Jeem Bo!
I reached down and picked up Abe's book of magic... as my fingertips brushed it's weathered leather binding, black spidery arcs of energy reached out to me. Oooh... warm and fuzzy. I'm lost in the moment...
When I come back out of it...that warm and fuzzy moment... there's a crawler's oozy toothy maw of nastiness bearing down on me as the others back out the cave door...
I open the book to a random page - or did i?.... the book's open and the words are reading themselves into my head...
*Atomic : no idea what that word means... that Mr Glock fruitloop back at my castle used to use it when he was talking about beer steins, knickers and apples. I got the feeling it meant big. Damn foreigners.
*************************************************
NOTE to the vast readership of ...well...3ish people... feel free to leave comments/suggestions/abuse/threats at any time - not just when there's a vote! You can influence the story that way.... as you've seen all it takes is a stray comment change an angry moose into a Gay moose that then becomes the Gaymoose of Watamakan : Nemisis of Jeem Bo ;-)
The critters crawled and wriggled across the ceiling towards us like giant questing translucent fingers full of malice and teeth. We scrambled back towards the cavern entrance... Aaahnult throwing the slimy half dead Cola over his beefy shoulders while Batman barked at the oncoming wormfest bravely... well... slowly backing towards the entrance with his chest puffed out and some extra drool spraying about as he barked for good measure.
The crawly menace that has swallowed Abe was now at the back of the pack of monsters no doubt savoring it's dinner who had now stopped struggling and was looking at us through its slimy hide from the inside as he rapidly started to dissolve. I'm not sure if Abe was already gone from pain or lack of oxygen but he still managed to fix us with a look of contempt... well... at least before his eyes dissolved. I kinda wish he'd stop glowing like that!
As if we didn't have enough problems in the cave with the crawly critters trying to eat us..... suddenly a terrible howl echoed into the cave from OUTSIDE... like a thousand people had suddenly been given atomic wedgie of epic and unwelcomely invasive proportions.
So here we are in full retreat, with wounded and one lost soul... back peddling into some other sort of trouble! What the hell is going on outside with Jeem Bo!
I reached down and picked up Abe's book of magic... as my fingertips brushed it's weathered leather binding, black spidery arcs of energy reached out to me. Oooh... warm and fuzzy. I'm lost in the moment...
When I come back out of it...that warm and fuzzy moment... there's a crawler's oozy toothy maw of nastiness bearing down on me as the others back out the cave door...
I open the book to a random page - or did i?.... the book's open and the words are reading themselves into my head...
*Atomic : no idea what that word means... that Mr Glock fruitloop back at my castle used to use it when he was talking about beer steins, knickers and apples. I got the feeling it meant big. Damn foreigners.
*************************************************
NOTE to the vast readership of ...well...3ish people... feel free to leave comments/suggestions/abuse/threats at any time - not just when there's a vote! You can influence the story that way.... as you've seen all it takes is a stray comment change an angry moose into a Gay moose that then becomes the Gaymoose of Watamakan : Nemisis of Jeem Bo ;-)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
The dark side of the Moose
Meanwhile outside the cave...
Jeem Bo watched the shadows and waited, in the light of the full moon he took a hit from the bottle of Slate and eyed the shadows of the forest warily.
"Dat Moose sound was da sound of da infamous Gaymoose of Watamakan, why oh why does it continues to stalk me afta all deese years, Mun?" He said to the darkness.
He watched the shadows.
They watched him back.
"And it wasn't even a gay Gaymoose till I implied it was a gay moose. I bought this on mahself. Mun"
The Shadows moved...
"So we meet again my old enemy" Said Jeem Bo taking another swig of Slate and blowing a smoke ring towards his behooved nemesis.
"Dats de only ring you'll be seein' tonight yer antlered freakjob!"
The Gaymoose of Watamakan stepped out of the shadows to reveal itself in all its horrible glory.
Jeem Bo watched the shadows and waited, in the light of the full moon he took a hit from the bottle of Slate and eyed the shadows of the forest warily.
"Dat Moose sound was da sound of da infamous Gaymoose of Watamakan, why oh why does it continues to stalk me afta all deese years, Mun?" He said to the darkness.
He watched the shadows.
They watched him back.
"And it wasn't even a gay Gaymoose till I implied it was a gay moose. I bought this on mahself. Mun"
The Shadows moved...
"So we meet again my old enemy" Said Jeem Bo taking another swig of Slate and blowing a smoke ring towards his behooved nemesis.
"Dats de only ring you'll be seein' tonight yer antlered freakjob!"
The Gaymoose of Watamakan stepped out of the shadows to reveal itself in all its horrible glory.
Game over man, GAME OVER!
Elfis slowly dragged the now unconscious Cola back out of the crawly things throat while Aaahnult and Batman wrestled and fought with the rest of the creature. Abe backed up against the wall desperately trying to cast another spell on the creature before it reached him.
As I got up from where I'd fallen over Batman I caught sight of a movement deeper in the cavern... The light emanating from Abe wasn't quite enough to reveal what it was though... something glinting...
Suddenly the crawly beast rolled over and shook both Aaahnult and Batman off just as Elfis dragged Cola free and tumbled to the ground amidst a rain of splinters and goo as the guitar shattered with a discordant and slightly soggy TWANG.
Risking messing up my immaculate haircut and dashing good looks I bravely managed to grab both Elfis and Cola and drag them back towards the cave entrance, slippery and goo covered as they were. Cola moaned in pain as she started to regain consciousness.
The crawly beast lunged at Abe and grabbed his feet, sweeping him off the ground and swinging him around the room. His book of magic and various other odds and ends out of his pockets sailing around the room...
As Abe got sucked screaming curses into the beasts maw I turned and fell over something on the floor...
The crawler leapt up and started crawling across the roof of the cavern and heading deeper inside... the light emanating from Abes struggling body lighting it up like a giant glow worm.
As the light began to flicker, like a faulty fluorescent- er... candle in a breeze we saw the whole back of the cavern start to wriggle... the crawler had a family!... they were everywhere!
Aaahnult picked up Batman and his Axe.
"Dey is comink out of das valls ! Game over man, game over!"
I spat the dust out and looked to see what had tripped me... at my feet was Abes book of magic...
"Ve can't vin against dem all!" cried Aaahnult
"Ahh huh huh" Said Elfis
"Ve must retreat!"
The glow worm's family approached us full of menace, slime and one glowing , weakly struggling and slowly dissolving Abe.
The book of magic called to me... it sparkled... it looked precious...
****************************************
Will Falconburger steal the magic book and risk being turned into a frog?
(don't worry - I haven't forgotten about the Angry Moose votes...)
As I got up from where I'd fallen over Batman I caught sight of a movement deeper in the cavern... The light emanating from Abe wasn't quite enough to reveal what it was though... something glinting...
Suddenly the crawly beast rolled over and shook both Aaahnult and Batman off just as Elfis dragged Cola free and tumbled to the ground amidst a rain of splinters and goo as the guitar shattered with a discordant and slightly soggy TWANG.
Risking messing up my immaculate haircut and dashing good looks I bravely managed to grab both Elfis and Cola and drag them back towards the cave entrance, slippery and goo covered as they were. Cola moaned in pain as she started to regain consciousness.
The crawly beast lunged at Abe and grabbed his feet, sweeping him off the ground and swinging him around the room. His book of magic and various other odds and ends out of his pockets sailing around the room...
As Abe got sucked screaming curses into the beasts maw I turned and fell over something on the floor...
The crawler leapt up and started crawling across the roof of the cavern and heading deeper inside... the light emanating from Abes struggling body lighting it up like a giant glow worm.
As the light began to flicker, like a faulty fluorescent- er... candle in a breeze we saw the whole back of the cavern start to wriggle... the crawler had a family!... they were everywhere!
Aaahnult picked up Batman and his Axe.
"Dey is comink out of das valls ! Game over man, game over!"
I spat the dust out and looked to see what had tripped me... at my feet was Abes book of magic...
"Ve can't vin against dem all!" cried Aaahnult
"Ahh huh huh" Said Elfis
"Ve must retreat!"
The glow worm's family approached us full of menace, slime and one glowing , weakly struggling and slowly dissolving Abe.
The book of magic called to me... it sparkled... it looked precious...
****************************************
Will Falconburger steal the magic book and risk being turned into a frog?
(don't worry - I haven't forgotten about the Angry Moose votes...)
Friday, December 15, 2006
Elfis goes deep throat
Into the cave and into darkness and chaos.
"Ahh Vill safe yoo mein freint!" Bellowed the Minotaur in the darkness
For a brief moment the cavern is illuminated as Aaahnult's greataxe scrapes across the stone and I see the beastly crawly thing lunge at him.
More darkness... more scrabbling... I trip over something that yaps at me. Batman the bulldog.
Words creep into the darkness, in a language that makes ones skin crawl... magic.
Suddenly the cavern is lit up as Abe begins to glow. He's crouched in a corner with his book o magic in one hand and his magic staff in the other.
The crawler stops attacking Aaahnult and immediately turns in the direction of the light.
"Ahh fark" mutters Abe quickly preparing to cast another spell.
I think the crawler is drawn to the light - or the magic?
Aaahnult drops his axe, there's no room to swing it in here and leaps on the crawler, bear hugging it's midsection. Its skin oozes slippery goo and he has a hard time getting a grip. I can see cola twitching halfway down is throat because its skin is transparent. Her skin is starting to dissolve. I bravely throw up on Batman.
To my shock and dismay, Elfis runs past me, leaps up and wedges one foot on the crawlers bottom jaw and wrenches it open, shoving his grubby guitar in its maw to wedge it open... the creature bucked and writhed about, trying to shake off Aaahnult and Elfis and get to Abe who was starting to back away rather quickly.... but its hard to hide when you are the light!
Batman waddles as fast as his rotund slobbering frame and muster and latches onto the beasts tail.
"There's a whole lotta shakin goin' on" sings Elfis with a mad gleam in his eye as he reaches down the beasts deep throat with his one spare hand and grabs Cola's hand.
The strings twang and snap on the dodgy guitar as it begins to bow under the pressure of the beasts jaws...
This can't be happening... Elfis can't be the Hero!
"Ahh Vill safe yoo mein freint!" Bellowed the Minotaur in the darkness
For a brief moment the cavern is illuminated as Aaahnult's greataxe scrapes across the stone and I see the beastly crawly thing lunge at him.
More darkness... more scrabbling... I trip over something that yaps at me. Batman the bulldog.
Words creep into the darkness, in a language that makes ones skin crawl... magic.
Suddenly the cavern is lit up as Abe begins to glow. He's crouched in a corner with his book o magic in one hand and his magic staff in the other.
The crawler stops attacking Aaahnult and immediately turns in the direction of the light.
"Ahh fark" mutters Abe quickly preparing to cast another spell.
I think the crawler is drawn to the light - or the magic?
Aaahnult drops his axe, there's no room to swing it in here and leaps on the crawler, bear hugging it's midsection. Its skin oozes slippery goo and he has a hard time getting a grip. I can see cola twitching halfway down is throat because its skin is transparent. Her skin is starting to dissolve. I bravely throw up on Batman.
To my shock and dismay, Elfis runs past me, leaps up and wedges one foot on the crawlers bottom jaw and wrenches it open, shoving his grubby guitar in its maw to wedge it open... the creature bucked and writhed about, trying to shake off Aaahnult and Elfis and get to Abe who was starting to back away rather quickly.... but its hard to hide when you are the light!
Batman waddles as fast as his rotund slobbering frame and muster and latches onto the beasts tail.
"There's a whole lotta shakin goin' on" sings Elfis with a mad gleam in his eye as he reaches down the beasts deep throat with his one spare hand and grabs Cola's hand.
The strings twang and snap on the dodgy guitar as it begins to bow under the pressure of the beasts jaws...
This can't be happening... Elfis can't be the Hero!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Fools rush in...
"Oh mein got!, ve haf to save her from das ooky crawly wormy think!" Said Aahnult rushing into the mouth of the cave, his horns striking sparks as they scrape across the narrow stone entrance of the cave.
"Snort warf warf " came the muffled warcry of Batman the bulldog as he followed.
"Yes!, in and save her men" said Abe... standing as far away from the mouth of the cave as possible."
Jeem Bo sauntered up behind Abe the bookworm and shoved him into the cave entrance.
"Go on bookworm mun, dey need your magic smarts in der. I'll be out 'ere guardin yer rear. Can't have anuvva wun of dem critters sneakin up yer behind. Mun. I mean sneakin up behind you. Besides... der might be magic treasure"
Abe cast Jeem Bo a filthy look.
"Treasure?... where?" My mind had finished editing out the horror of Cola's attacker.... and replacing it with shiny objects. I rushed into the cave pushing Abe in front of me...
"Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread" mutter Elfis and followed us playing a rousing ditty on his banjo. Dunt da da daaaa!
Jeem Bo scanned the darkening forest around him... were the shadows moving? Off in the distance he heard a wolf howl, and somewhere a moose..er.... moose-noised. A twig cracked loudly in the forest... Jeem Bo turned, warhammer in one hand, bottle in the other... and stood there with smoke drifting from his head like a not quite dormant volcano. Did that shadow - the large angry moose shaped one just move?... or was it his imagination?
********* VOTE *************
So... did it?...
If it did something terribly unfortunate might happen to Jeem Bo... and if that happened who would guard our heroic rescue parties rear and prevent something equally unfortunate from happening to their rears??
"Snort warf warf " came the muffled warcry of Batman the bulldog as he followed.
"Yes!, in and save her men" said Abe... standing as far away from the mouth of the cave as possible."
Jeem Bo sauntered up behind Abe the bookworm and shoved him into the cave entrance.
"Go on bookworm mun, dey need your magic smarts in der. I'll be out 'ere guardin yer rear. Can't have anuvva wun of dem critters sneakin up yer behind. Mun. I mean sneakin up behind you. Besides... der might be magic treasure"
Abe cast Jeem Bo a filthy look.
"Treasure?... where?" My mind had finished editing out the horror of Cola's attacker.... and replacing it with shiny objects. I rushed into the cave pushing Abe in front of me...
"Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread" mutter Elfis and followed us playing a rousing ditty on his banjo. Dunt da da daaaa!
Jeem Bo scanned the darkening forest around him... were the shadows moving? Off in the distance he heard a wolf howl, and somewhere a moose..er.... moose-noised. A twig cracked loudly in the forest... Jeem Bo turned, warhammer in one hand, bottle in the other... and stood there with smoke drifting from his head like a not quite dormant volcano. Did that shadow - the large angry moose shaped one just move?... or was it his imagination?
********* VOTE *************
So... did it?...
If it did something terribly unfortunate might happen to Jeem Bo... and if that happened who would guard our heroic rescue parties rear and prevent something equally unfortunate from happening to their rears??
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
and a chair as well
"Well... I guess I'll have to go in and take a look then" Said Cola.
A long bladed dagger appeared seemingly by magic in her hand and she crept into the mouth of the cave.
"Vill she be ok on her own or vill I follow and protect her" Asked the cow
"Mun, der is no point 'er sneakin with you clankin and snortin along behind her" Said Pothead.
"Besides, what creature would want to eat her scrawny demonspawn hide?" said Bookworm.
"Don't be cruel..." said you know who...
A few minutes later Cola materialized again from the shadows of the cave.
"Well.. there is a bear in there... but its rather dead... in fact it looks like its been swallowed and then spat back out. Most ooky. All covered in slime and what not. Also... curiously there's a chair as well... also covered in slobber. But i couldn't see -"
Suddenly a disgusting creature leapt from the cave behind her. Almost transparent it was like a large centipede with a massive mouth fill of wickedly glass like teeth. It made not a sound as it seized her from behind, sucking her down its throat as it withdrew back into the cave. The last thing the party saw was the look of horror on her face as she vanished into its mouth.
******* VOTING TIME ******
Will the party attempt a rescue? or run away?... who will rescue cola?
A long bladed dagger appeared seemingly by magic in her hand and she crept into the mouth of the cave.
"Vill she be ok on her own or vill I follow and protect her" Asked the cow
"Mun, der is no point 'er sneakin with you clankin and snortin along behind her" Said Pothead.
"Besides, what creature would want to eat her scrawny demonspawn hide?" said Bookworm.
"Don't be cruel..." said you know who...
A few minutes later Cola materialized again from the shadows of the cave.
"Well.. there is a bear in there... but its rather dead... in fact it looks like its been swallowed and then spat back out. Most ooky. All covered in slime and what not. Also... curiously there's a chair as well... also covered in slobber. But i couldn't see -"
Suddenly a disgusting creature leapt from the cave behind her. Almost transparent it was like a large centipede with a massive mouth fill of wickedly glass like teeth. It made not a sound as it seized her from behind, sucking her down its throat as it withdrew back into the cave. The last thing the party saw was the look of horror on her face as she vanished into its mouth.
******* VOTING TIME ******
Will the party attempt a rescue? or run away?... who will rescue cola?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
A bear in there...
12 Hours* of hardcore forced march later in sweltering heat through thick undergrowth and slashing thorn bushs :
"Vell vot now mein veely velly brave comrades?" Said Mad Cow
"Mun, ah aint goin in no cave. Ah swear - der's a bear in der!" Said Jeem Bo
"And just how do you figure Mr Bo" I asked the dreadlocked smokestack.
"Ahh just know. Aah can smell bear miles away. Had bad experiences wid bears, Dey are bastards. Mun"
"Well if there is a bear in there, it hasn't been in or out for a while - the entrance is pretty blocked with bush's and nice prickly bushes. I think its a bunny you can smell, not a bear." Said Cola
"Veely! Bunnies!, i'm so excited!" Said cowhead.
"Mmmm bunnies.... stew." Mumbled Cola
"I'm surpised he can smell anything after billowing smoke all day like a bad tempered volcano" Said Abe the Bookworm
"Aah is not bad tempered mun, ahh is coool mun. Relaxed. Chillin'. But I aint goin in no cave"
"Vel it is getting dark, Ze moon is being full tonight and ve could shelter in das cave if der is only bunnies!"
"Blue moon... you saw me standing a-"
Cola threw a silencing look at jumpsuit idiot.
"So... is there a bear in there?... or just bunnies?.. or should we just continue deeper into the forest?" I asked...
************VOTING TIME ************
Enter the cave?...y/n
If yes - who will check for bears?
* 12 hours : 2 hours walking, several hours panting, sleeping, bitching, moaning and combing hair.
"Vell vot now mein veely velly brave comrades?" Said Mad Cow
"Mun, ah aint goin in no cave. Ah swear - der's a bear in der!" Said Jeem Bo
"And just how do you figure Mr Bo" I asked the dreadlocked smokestack.
"Ahh just know. Aah can smell bear miles away. Had bad experiences wid bears, Dey are bastards. Mun"
"Well if there is a bear in there, it hasn't been in or out for a while - the entrance is pretty blocked with bush's and nice prickly bushes. I think its a bunny you can smell, not a bear." Said Cola
"Veely! Bunnies!, i'm so excited!" Said cowhead.
"Mmmm bunnies.... stew." Mumbled Cola
"I'm surpised he can smell anything after billowing smoke all day like a bad tempered volcano" Said Abe the Bookworm
"Aah is not bad tempered mun, ahh is coool mun. Relaxed. Chillin'. But I aint goin in no cave"
"Vel it is getting dark, Ze moon is being full tonight and ve could shelter in das cave if der is only bunnies!"
"Blue moon... you saw me standing a-"
Cola threw a silencing look at jumpsuit idiot.
"So... is there a bear in there?... or just bunnies?.. or should we just continue deeper into the forest?" I asked...
************VOTING TIME ************
Enter the cave?...y/n
If yes - who will check for bears?
* 12 hours : 2 hours walking, several hours panting, sleeping, bitching, moaning and combing hair.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
If you go down to the woods today...
"Well Mun, aah say we give de Forest Road a crack mun, I 'eard on ze grapevine dat der might even be forest nymphs der. Mun" Said Jeem Bo's voice from somewhere in the middle of a new smog cloud that had formed around his head.
"Veely!?, I is soo excited!, Ve get to find das beast from bourbon maybe! unt perhaps ein nymphs as vell! I heard dat Nymphs vill clean your leiderhousen for only a penny!" exclaimed Aaahnult jumping around with excitement.
"Thats Sprites you giant furry buffoon. Some sprites sneak into you house at night and clean things up ... allegedly. I think you have to do them favours though too, you know... give up your first born, sell tupperware or your soul etc. As a side note, they cook up quite nicely with some sate sauce. Makes a nice kebab." Said Cola
"Nymphs on the other hand might try to at least get you out of that leiderhousen... but there won't be anything clean going on... and they can be quite dangerous too" Said Abe, the uppity bookworm wizard.
"They're the devil in disguise. A huh huh" said the gem spangled idiot.
"Grouff snort drool"
"Ok then people, bovines, canines, jumpsuited retards etc... I guess it's onward into the forest. I kinda do hope we find sprites... I'm feeling a little peckish. Or a bunny. mmm Bunnies" Said Cola, shouldering her pack and heading towards the dark and creepy forest.
Eventually I looked up and realised that while i'd been checking my hair I'd been left behind... so I scurried off after them. I wonder what tupperware is. Sounds a little ominous.
"Veely!?, I is soo excited!, Ve get to find das beast from bourbon maybe! unt perhaps ein nymphs as vell! I heard dat Nymphs vill clean your leiderhousen for only a penny!" exclaimed Aaahnult jumping around with excitement.
"Thats Sprites you giant furry buffoon. Some sprites sneak into you house at night and clean things up ... allegedly. I think you have to do them favours though too, you know... give up your first born, sell tupperware or your soul etc. As a side note, they cook up quite nicely with some sate sauce. Makes a nice kebab." Said Cola
"Nymphs on the other hand might try to at least get you out of that leiderhousen... but there won't be anything clean going on... and they can be quite dangerous too" Said Abe, the uppity bookworm wizard.
"They're the devil in disguise. A huh huh" said the gem spangled idiot.
"Grouff snort drool"
"Ok then people, bovines, canines, jumpsuited retards etc... I guess it's onward into the forest. I kinda do hope we find sprites... I'm feeling a little peckish. Or a bunny. mmm Bunnies" Said Cola, shouldering her pack and heading towards the dark and creepy forest.
Eventually I looked up and realised that while i'd been checking my hair I'd been left behind... so I scurried off after them. I wonder what tupperware is. Sounds a little ominous.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
A fork in the road
Ok, so we've left the confines of the grassy pub and hit the road. We have to travel some distance yet to a ruin that is half buried in the ground. Cola was pretty vague about the details - telling me that I will be of great use looking for pressure switches and triggers. Not sure what she meant exactly...
Anyhow... to the conversation :
"Vell ve now huv ein choice don't ve" Said Aaahnult
"A-huh huh" Said the pointy eared twat.
"A choice?" I asked as I looked up from a piece of mirror that had somehow made it into my pocket.
"Vell, der is apparently ein monster loose about das forest!, za Beast of Bourbon! unt ve can get to the ruins though das forest ya?, i vould veely love ein new loincloth made from das Beast from Burbon ya!"
"While there are also the moors, and another fell beast - the dread Becclehoff to avoid in that direction and I for one don't want to catch what ever the hell these two freaks did that makes them do all that slow motion crap." said Cola
"Whilst both of those rumours do sound forboding did you hear about young Billy being taken by that stinking thing in the darkness down by the old coast path?" said Abe trying to look all self important and clever.
"Snuffle woof slobber grrrrowflt" said Batman, licking his wotsits.
"Soo Mun, der would seem (hiccup) to be a choice to be made mah bruvvas : de Moors mun, The Forest or the Coastal Path. Mun. And we avta shoose wun on deez paths to get der. mun. " Said Jeembo, rolling up a joint big enough to club seals to death with.
**************** AND NOW FOR THE TEST ***************
This is where things get interactive. Leave a comment, vote for a path and decide where the party heads. It will be interesting to see if there is more than 2 votes! ;-). Not sure if this will work or not... Moors, Forest or Coast Road.
Anyhow... to the conversation :
"Vell ve now huv ein choice don't ve" Said Aaahnult
"A-huh huh" Said the pointy eared twat.
"A choice?" I asked as I looked up from a piece of mirror that had somehow made it into my pocket.
"Vell, der is apparently ein monster loose about das forest!, za Beast of Bourbon! unt ve can get to the ruins though das forest ya?, i vould veely love ein new loincloth made from das Beast from Burbon ya!"
"While there are also the moors, and another fell beast - the dread Becclehoff to avoid in that direction and I for one don't want to catch what ever the hell these two freaks did that makes them do all that slow motion crap." said Cola
"Whilst both of those rumours do sound forboding did you hear about young Billy being taken by that stinking thing in the darkness down by the old coast path?" said Abe trying to look all self important and clever.
"Snuffle woof slobber grrrrowflt" said Batman, licking his wotsits.
"Soo Mun, der would seem (hiccup) to be a choice to be made mah bruvvas : de Moors mun, The Forest or the Coastal Path. Mun. And we avta shoose wun on deez paths to get der. mun. " Said Jeembo, rolling up a joint big enough to club seals to death with.
**************** AND NOW FOR THE TEST ***************
This is where things get interactive. Leave a comment, vote for a path and decide where the party heads. It will be interesting to see if there is more than 2 votes! ;-). Not sure if this will work or not... Moors, Forest or Coast Road.
The B Team
Finally.... the last member of the troupe has arrived. A bookish looking fellow, all spectacles and clumsyness. His name is Abe and he claims to be a wizard. Some people will use any excuse to wear a dress...oh..er... a Robe... he calls it.
So here we have it :
Abe : Poncy dress wearin wizard.
Cola : The rogue (she doesn't like the word thief, also the brains of the op)
Aaahnult : The warrior (the opposite of the brains of the op)
Elfis : A bard, a singer and historian. A twat.
Jeembo : A priest apparently... though he seems to worship a bottle. After seeing his plight - to be risking life and limb with these lunatics i don't much blame him.
Batman : A drooling leg humping dog with a face like a kicked in trashcan.
And me... the mighty and devilishly goodlooking Lord F.C. Falconbruger with so many talents that they couldn't possibly be listed here.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...a team of professionals... but if they are busy then maybe you can hire us instead.
So here we have it :
Abe : Poncy dress wearin wizard.
Cola : The rogue (she doesn't like the word thief, also the brains of the op)
Aaahnult : The warrior (the opposite of the brains of the op)
Elfis : A bard, a singer and historian. A twat.
Jeembo : A priest apparently... though he seems to worship a bottle. After seeing his plight - to be risking life and limb with these lunatics i don't much blame him.
Batman : A drooling leg humping dog with a face like a kicked in trashcan.
And me... the mighty and devilishly goodlooking Lord F.C. Falconbruger with so many talents that they couldn't possibly be listed here.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...a team of professionals... but if they are busy then maybe you can hire us instead.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Idle Gossip
Another day has passed… this tavern seems to be the meeting place for a few other bands of adventurers. There are always the story tellers… tales of gold and glory… and that idiot elfis crapping on about his blue shoes every hour or so.
Here are some random snippits from random drunkards :
“Oooh arrr…. Be careful out on moors… don’t go out thaaar at night…”
“Ahh don’t know what it was… all I know is there was this eerie ‘ollow sound… like wind blowin across a bottle… and a gawd awful smell, like a big old privy bucket...then me mate billy was gone… taken in the darkness by some eeevil stinkin' thing…down by the old coast road”
"Oooh Arr... speakin of mad hatters, did yer see the ridiculous hat Zeike had on last week when 'e staggered in 'ere. 'e looks a right twat... it looks like a grass hut.
"Av yer seen thut wee lass Nicosugarsmack about?.. ahh do mis her drunken table dancin'..arr....she's a mad lass thut wun!"
“A swear.. this crazy fool came walkin up outta the ocean wearin some stupid kinda bucket on his head with pokey horns and stuff… almost looked as mad as Aaaahnult… even had a leather gimp suit on like woshername the angry girl that hangs out with that bunch. ‘E was skinny as ‘ell too.. like ‘ed been starved for weeks. ‘e looked like an angry whippet shrink wrapped in licorice.”
"Slate!, let us pray! oh mighty slate"
“Beware the beast on the moors…beware the dreaded Becclehoff… tis a fell creature of the night…”
"Woot woot!"
"Veely?, der is ein new monster loose? das beast of burbon? wot!
"Ohh Arr... young Robynn's right, it does look good in leather"
“Get yer fuggin dog orf me leg or I’ll turn im into sausages”
"He aint nothin but a hound dog..."
Sigh. Commoners… this must be how they pass their days. Making up stories.
Here are some random snippits from random drunkards :
“Oooh arrr…. Be careful out on moors… don’t go out thaaar at night…”
“Ahh don’t know what it was… all I know is there was this eerie ‘ollow sound… like wind blowin across a bottle… and a gawd awful smell, like a big old privy bucket...then me mate billy was gone… taken in the darkness by some eeevil stinkin' thing…down by the old coast road”
"Oooh Arr... speakin of mad hatters, did yer see the ridiculous hat Zeike had on last week when 'e staggered in 'ere. 'e looks a right twat... it looks like a grass hut.
"Av yer seen thut wee lass Nicosugarsmack about?.. ahh do mis her drunken table dancin'..arr....she's a mad lass thut wun!"
“A swear.. this crazy fool came walkin up outta the ocean wearin some stupid kinda bucket on his head with pokey horns and stuff… almost looked as mad as Aaaahnult… even had a leather gimp suit on like woshername the angry girl that hangs out with that bunch. ‘E was skinny as ‘ell too.. like ‘ed been starved for weeks. ‘e looked like an angry whippet shrink wrapped in licorice.”
"Slate!, let us pray! oh mighty slate"
“Beware the beast on the moors…beware the dreaded Becclehoff… tis a fell creature of the night…”
"Woot woot!"
"Veely?, der is ein new monster loose? das beast of burbon? wot!
"Ohh Arr... young Robynn's right, it does look good in leather"
“Get yer fuggin dog orf me leg or I’ll turn im into sausages”
"He aint nothin but a hound dog..."
Sigh. Commoners… this must be how they pass their days. Making up stories.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Motley Crew
So I’ve joined up with this motley crew of adventury types… being highly skilled of course I was a shoe in for the job. They’ve even given me a nickname “NoobyPawnSacrifice” which is nice… not sure what language it is in but I’m sure it means hero or Mr Manly Man or something suitable for a Lord like myself.
Apparently Cola, the small black ..er… coloured girl is the brains of the operation. Her pointy teeth and catlike tail come from some thing bad in her ancestry where her mother was the victim of some sort of demonic spell. Nasty stuff I imagine… but she seems to have benefited by inheriting night vision and lightning fast reflexes. She also cuts a mean figure in leather, everything goes with black apparently.
Elfis, the buffoon in the white jumpsuit is a Bard. So far as I can tell his skills are in the are of playing guitar rather badly and getting in the way. He apparently is writing an epic poetic story about the group.. so if we live.. we shall be famous.
Then there’s Aaahnult the Minotaur. He’s the muscle… if something needs to be negotiated with he will negitiate it into lots of little bloody pieces. I think he’s the one who insists on bringing the elven prat in the jumpsuit because he tends to pose a lot. Posing works better with a soundtrack. Apparently they were attacked once by some nasty beast called a Becclehoff which infects one with occasional attacks of 80's slow motion montage... whatever that is.
The mad bastard outside on the box called Jeem Bo is also part of the troupe. When confronted with something they are calling the undead (I’m not sure what they are but the description (stinky cold bloodsucking bastards) makes me think of lawyers or bankers) he apparently has some power over them.
There is one other member apparently, a wizard or something who will be joining us soon. I hope he’s talented… or we’re all going to die horribly.
Oh… and the bulldog is the mascot… apparently he used to be a member of the group but something bad happened to him… not quite sure what that means. But I do wish he’d stop humping my leg.
Oh well…I think as I comb my hair and admire my reflection in a pool of spilled Slate… at least I’ll make leave a beautiful corpse.
Apparently Cola, the small black ..er… coloured girl is the brains of the operation. Her pointy teeth and catlike tail come from some thing bad in her ancestry where her mother was the victim of some sort of demonic spell. Nasty stuff I imagine… but she seems to have benefited by inheriting night vision and lightning fast reflexes. She also cuts a mean figure in leather, everything goes with black apparently.
Elfis, the buffoon in the white jumpsuit is a Bard. So far as I can tell his skills are in the are of playing guitar rather badly and getting in the way. He apparently is writing an epic poetic story about the group.. so if we live.. we shall be famous.
Then there’s Aaahnult the Minotaur. He’s the muscle… if something needs to be negotiated with he will negitiate it into lots of little bloody pieces. I think he’s the one who insists on bringing the elven prat in the jumpsuit because he tends to pose a lot. Posing works better with a soundtrack. Apparently they were attacked once by some nasty beast called a Becclehoff which infects one with occasional attacks of 80's slow motion montage... whatever that is.
The mad bastard outside on the box called Jeem Bo is also part of the troupe. When confronted with something they are calling the undead (I’m not sure what they are but the description (stinky cold bloodsucking bastards) makes me think of lawyers or bankers) he apparently has some power over them.
There is one other member apparently, a wizard or something who will be joining us soon. I hope he’s talented… or we’re all going to die horribly.
Oh… and the bulldog is the mascot… apparently he used to be a member of the group but something bad happened to him… not quite sure what that means. But I do wish he’d stop humping my leg.
Oh well…I think as I comb my hair and admire my reflection in a pool of spilled Slate… at least I’ll make leave a beautiful corpse.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Stool sample
Aaaaahhhhhhh…er...ouch.... what the hell happened to me?. I woke up with a barstool wedged in a place that stool is only meant to exit… not enter!.
However could that have happened?… I must have slipped and fell… like that time in the bathroom back at the castle when I er…got sick…. That time that had nothing to do with hitting my elbow on the sink when I fell off it…er… Not that I would be standing on it and looking across the courtyard into that young ladies tower window.
er… what was my point…?
Anyway… last night there may have been some drinking involved… I feel like someone’s taken a bucket of wet sand and poured it into my head. There was a lot of tale telling and carrying on. The minotaur and his crew seemed fairly well off in the gold department too.
From what scattered bit of memory I have left I think the Minotaur, the blue shoed hair piece-o-doom wearin’ hippy “Elfis”, and the black tail whipping lass they call “Cola” are adventurers or some such crap. Apparently they break into old abandoned ruins, castles, dungeons etc and liberate the leftovers of kingdoms past.
Sounds like blatant thievery to me…
Sign me up.
However could that have happened?… I must have slipped and fell… like that time in the bathroom back at the castle when I er…got sick…. That time that had nothing to do with hitting my elbow on the sink when I fell off it…er… Not that I would be standing on it and looking across the courtyard into that young ladies tower window.
er… what was my point…?
Anyway… last night there may have been some drinking involved… I feel like someone’s taken a bucket of wet sand and poured it into my head. There was a lot of tale telling and carrying on. The minotaur and his crew seemed fairly well off in the gold department too.
From what scattered bit of memory I have left I think the Minotaur, the blue shoed hair piece-o-doom wearin’ hippy “Elfis”, and the black tail whipping lass they call “Cola” are adventurers or some such crap. Apparently they break into old abandoned ruins, castles, dungeons etc and liberate the leftovers of kingdoms past.
Sounds like blatant thievery to me…
Sign me up.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
F word.
So I’ve been in thish shpub for hoursh now. Shlate tashts like arsh but good arsh. Oops that shounds a bit orf dunnit?. Farkin minotaur and is farkin drinking competitions. Farker. And thish orther farker elfish, alvis, whatdafark finks ‘e can shing. I tell’im ders more den sayin ‘ah huh farkin huh’ to make yerself a singer. Fancy farkin blue shooz or not. And dis... dis farken dorg... farkin buttman the barkin bullshit ..opps..snigger... dawg.. i wish the farker would git orf me farkin leg. E's gawn and drooled all over me duds the farker... at least i farkin 'ope its only drool. farker.
Oi I reckon thish farken black chick with the tale farken fancies me… I mean how could ge not cos 'om so farken alluring and all...I fink I’ll go farken pinch her arsh cos chicks dig that yeah!
Oi I reckon thish farken black chick with the tale farken fancies me… I mean how could ge not cos 'om so farken alluring and all...I fink I’ll go farken pinch her arsh cos chicks dig that yeah!
Monday, October 23, 2006
A load of bull.
Ok… So it’s not actually a cow as such. I didn’t actually know these things really existed. I thought they were myths like tooth fairies, honest lawyers and true love. It’s a Minotaur. He straightens up once he’s through the door to tower at about 7ft in height, his horns only just avoiding the ceiling rafters. He wears a leather kilt and has a big cigar hanging out of his mouth… smoke curls from his large bovine nostrils.
The bulldog ‘Batman' rushes over …well... as much as a bulldog can rush and huffs and puffs around the Minotaurs hooves wagging its stumpy tail with excitement as torrents of drool plops and slops from its very lippy maw.
“Behold, Aaahnult the Amaysink. Vorsheep deis vonderful beevvfcake boody unt bask in mine glory ya” The Minotaur proclaimed in a voice that sounded like it really should belong to someone wearing a spandex leotard on a rainbow coloured parade float surrounded by a number of other similarly attired and buffed, waxed and oiled up fellows all named Percy.
Mad cow disease?
But are you gonna tell a seven foot tall half man half bull that?
I don’t think so.
Aaahnult proceeded to strike a beefy muscle flexing pose in the doorway while some other people edged their way around him. From behind Aaahnult come two more freakshows… a lithe girl with jet black skin, pointy ears and a long tail poking out of her leather pants She smiles at the barkeep, presenting a pair of catlike fangs and slaps a few coins on the grassy knoll we’re using as a bar. Following her is a near opposite, a slightly chubby fellow, also with pointed ears and tsunami of black hair oiled and slicked up in such a way that his forehead was a good 2 inches higher than the back of his head. He wears a tight white leather suit speckled with cheap gems and bits of glass. He carries a guitar of some description.
I’m starting to think I’m a lot further from home that I thought.
The bulldog ‘Batman' rushes over …well... as much as a bulldog can rush and huffs and puffs around the Minotaurs hooves wagging its stumpy tail with excitement as torrents of drool plops and slops from its very lippy maw.
“Behold, Aaahnult the Amaysink. Vorsheep deis vonderful beevvfcake boody unt bask in mine glory ya” The Minotaur proclaimed in a voice that sounded like it really should belong to someone wearing a spandex leotard on a rainbow coloured parade float surrounded by a number of other similarly attired and buffed, waxed and oiled up fellows all named Percy.
Mad cow disease?
But are you gonna tell a seven foot tall half man half bull that?
I don’t think so.
Aaahnult proceeded to strike a beefy muscle flexing pose in the doorway while some other people edged their way around him. From behind Aaahnult come two more freakshows… a lithe girl with jet black skin, pointy ears and a long tail poking out of her leather pants She smiles at the barkeep, presenting a pair of catlike fangs and slaps a few coins on the grassy knoll we’re using as a bar. Following her is a near opposite, a slightly chubby fellow, also with pointed ears and tsunami of black hair oiled and slicked up in such a way that his forehead was a good 2 inches higher than the back of his head. He wears a tight white leather suit speckled with cheap gems and bits of glass. He carries a guitar of some description.
I’m starting to think I’m a lot further from home that I thought.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Batman begins
I wake up laying on a soft verdant green field…a gentle breeze blowing on my face… and then my vision clears and I realise that I’m laying on the ‘carpet’ in the pub. The wind is the huff puff panting of a bulldog with a face like a kicked in trashcan sitting 2 inches away from my face. Casually I pick myself up off the floor and right my mushroom laden stool before sitting back at the bar again. Strangely I have no muck on my face… seems to be clean… though a little wet.
“So…er…. What exactly is in this” I ask, indicating the tankard.
“Izzlate” Says the captain beardy of the good ship alcohol.
“Izzlate?... interesting…er… locally brewed?” I ask, my voice raspy.
“NahludnorIzzlate…Is…Slate. Brewedinaweesockfullorocks.”
“Ah.. Slate” I vaguely remember the mad bastard on the box outside. “Brewed where?”
I am about to ask him where Innaweesockfullorock is when the door opens and a gigantic cow walks into the bar. It’s wearing a kilt.
The bulldog barks and the beardy bartender Says “Keep it down Batman! Ye stoopid mutt!, I told ye they’d come back for ye.”
I look at the Captain Beardy behind the bar, I look at the towering kilt wearing cow man in the door way and the rotund bulldog apparently named 'Batman'... and then eye the Slate suspiciously...
“So…er…. What exactly is in this” I ask, indicating the tankard.
“Izzlate” Says the captain beardy of the good ship alcohol.
“Izzlate?... interesting…er… locally brewed?” I ask, my voice raspy.
“NahludnorIzzlate…Is…Slate. Brewedinaweesockfullorocks.”
“Ah.. Slate” I vaguely remember the mad bastard on the box outside. “Brewed where?”
I am about to ask him where Innaweesockfullorock is when the door opens and a gigantic cow walks into the bar. It’s wearing a kilt.
The bulldog barks and the beardy bartender Says “Keep it down Batman! Ye stoopid mutt!, I told ye they’d come back for ye.”
I look at the Captain Beardy behind the bar, I look at the towering kilt wearing cow man in the door way and the rotund bulldog apparently named 'Batman'... and then eye the Slate suspiciously...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Bars n mushrooms.
So here I sit in the local pub. A grubby little place with carpet that is either green or just really really needs mowing or dowsing in mold killer. Seems to be a fair array of foreigners about… people dressed for travel and such. I pick up a stool that someone knocked over, noting the mushrooms sprouting on its underside and perch myself at the ancient wooden bar.
I put one of my recently earned coins onto the grubby surface and the barkeep ambles over. He’s a stocky fellow… in fact to draw you a mental picture just imagine a big pair of brawny shoulders with Popeye type forearms attached, connect the shoulders with a beard like a rug full of mushrooms and put some eyes and a bulbous hairy nose in between the shoulders and then just add boots. He’s a dwarf.
Apparently the other side of the bar is higher than this side because he appears to be of normal height from this side. He takes the coin and dumps a metal tankard down in front of me.
Not wanting to look like a girly man I take a large manly swig of the offered beverage. My eyes water… if I’d taken a feral cat, dunked it in bucket of “make cat angry” and then slapped it a few times before trying to swallow it… well that would have hurt my throat less.
Vision... tilting....
I put one of my recently earned coins onto the grubby surface and the barkeep ambles over. He’s a stocky fellow… in fact to draw you a mental picture just imagine a big pair of brawny shoulders with Popeye type forearms attached, connect the shoulders with a beard like a rug full of mushrooms and put some eyes and a bulbous hairy nose in between the shoulders and then just add boots. He’s a dwarf.
Apparently the other side of the bar is higher than this side because he appears to be of normal height from this side. He takes the coin and dumps a metal tankard down in front of me.
Not wanting to look like a girly man I take a large manly swig of the offered beverage. My eyes water… if I’d taken a feral cat, dunked it in bucket of “make cat angry” and then slapped it a few times before trying to swallow it… well that would have hurt my throat less.
Vision... tilting....
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
...and the Lord said "Let Them Drink Slate or They WILL be Beaten!"...Mun.
I have found my way into town. It's a shanty array of lopsided buildings with thatched roofs (rooves?) and smoke lazily winding up into the now grey sky. The weather has cooled considerably, the air itself feels damp.
There's a rather imposing fellow standing on an overturned crate in the centre of town, right outside the local pub. He looks like something of a foreigner with his odd robes and waist length dreadlocks. In one hand he holds an enormous hammer sporting an aged and worn leather grip and quite a bit of rust. In the other he holds aloft a metal tankard which he waves about somehow without spilling its contents as he rants at the crowd.
"And the LOOOOORD said...."Let Dem Dreenk Slate or.....or... Dey Shall be Beaten!...and..." he bellows... then he looks about at the sky as if he's actually listening to someone before saying "...and... stuff...Mun"
Interesting fellow I thought as I mugged a small child in a back alley and shook all the loose change out of them before walking into the pub for a drink and some gathering of local information. Not sure if drinking slate could be good for you, surely they'd be better of lining paths and rooftops with it?.
I'm really going to have to find a way to steal...er...earn some cash to finance my trip back to my realm... sigh. When i find out just which direction it lies in.
Sigh.
Reduced to ...dare I say it... working for a living!
Oh the shame.
There's a rather imposing fellow standing on an overturned crate in the centre of town, right outside the local pub. He looks like something of a foreigner with his odd robes and waist length dreadlocks. In one hand he holds an enormous hammer sporting an aged and worn leather grip and quite a bit of rust. In the other he holds aloft a metal tankard which he waves about somehow without spilling its contents as he rants at the crowd.
"And the LOOOOORD said...."Let Dem Dreenk Slate or.....or... Dey Shall be Beaten!...and..." he bellows... then he looks about at the sky as if he's actually listening to someone before saying "...and... stuff...Mun"
Interesting fellow I thought as I mugged a small child in a back alley and shook all the loose change out of them before walking into the pub for a drink and some gathering of local information. Not sure if drinking slate could be good for you, surely they'd be better of lining paths and rooftops with it?.
I'm really going to have to find a way to steal...er...earn some cash to finance my trip back to my realm... sigh. When i find out just which direction it lies in.
Sigh.
Reduced to ...dare I say it... working for a living!
Oh the shame.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Lifes a Beach
I am Falconburger, Lord of the realm.
This I remember.... now. I have been away, lost at sea on an island. Attacked and chased by monkeys and coconuts. Beaten by evil men in silly hats and left to die. Enslaved by a shiny silver box. Seems that the blow to the head reconnected the bridge to my past that a coconut broke asunder after I was foolish enough to be a test pilot for a mad bastard.
So I am lord of the realm and yet i find myself sitting on a rock on a beach, once again in an unknown place. A fisherman found me adrift at sea, and when he found he couldn't use me as bait he dragged my soggy self back to land.
I asked him where he road to Castle Falconburger was, the shining beacon of modern thinking and wonderous capital of the realm to which he replied in his bizarre language "Wotareyouonabootyamudbustard?, thetoownisdoownthatroodoverthehill".
Obviosly a man whose intellect is barely above that of savage monkeys in far away lands. He did sound vaguly familiar though, so maybe i'm on my way home at least. So I'm going to head down this poor excuse for a road and see if i can find anyone who knows the way.
My biggest problem is of course that i have no money, no belongings and i look like something the cat dragged in, ate, and then threw up, licked... and then pushed under a couch with its nose to go mouldy. I look like a common begger.
This I remember.... now. I have been away, lost at sea on an island. Attacked and chased by monkeys and coconuts. Beaten by evil men in silly hats and left to die. Enslaved by a shiny silver box. Seems that the blow to the head reconnected the bridge to my past that a coconut broke asunder after I was foolish enough to be a test pilot for a mad bastard.
So I am lord of the realm and yet i find myself sitting on a rock on a beach, once again in an unknown place. A fisherman found me adrift at sea, and when he found he couldn't use me as bait he dragged my soggy self back to land.
I asked him where he road to Castle Falconburger was, the shining beacon of modern thinking and wonderous capital of the realm to which he replied in his bizarre language "Wotareyouonabootyamudbustard?, thetoownisdoownthatroodoverthehill".
Obviosly a man whose intellect is barely above that of savage monkeys in far away lands. He did sound vaguly familiar though, so maybe i'm on my way home at least. So I'm going to head down this poor excuse for a road and see if i can find anyone who knows the way.
My biggest problem is of course that i have no money, no belongings and i look like something the cat dragged in, ate, and then threw up, licked... and then pushed under a couch with its nose to go mouldy. I look like a common begger.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
As idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean.
It seems that we've struck something of a dry patch. Day after day we've struck no breath nor motion. We sit as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean. There's water, water everywhere... and it seems that all the boards on the deck did shrink. Water, Water everywhere but I can't find a drop to drink.
And it pisses me off. Rastus is off his dial because he started chewing on some of the magic brown sand that makes the water go brown and yummy in The Precious. He keeps on sniggering to himself about revenge and saying "watch out, charlies in the trees" and crazy stuff like that. He's also led a raid on the Gerbil cage in the captains cabin and freed his kinsmen. So now he has a Gerbil posse.
So here I sit on the parched deck, chewing brown sand as the boat sits dead still and idle in the mirrorlike calm of the sea. The sun beats down relentlessly. I close my eyes...
Conning wakes up... extracts himself from the helmet.... and looks about. Blood and feathers lay scattered and stuck to the deck. My eyes open, I hear a hiss as the moisture in them evaporates in a puff of steam. I smile at him, my parched and dry lips crack dribbling blood.
He looks at the feathers. Notices the discarded duck head laying on the deck... (I don't like anything I'm eating to look at me unless I know her name and shes bought me dinner). I reach over and protectivly draw the shiny metal precious closer to me. My fingers hiss as they touch the hot metal. They stick for a moment. Smells funny. Like burnt chicken.
Thats funny... he looks mad... his eyes go all wide and he points at the dead duck and waves his arms about. I don't know why he's so mad... I left him a drumstick (I'm a breast man) We laugh at him, the Precious an I...then he pulls the horny helmet out of the deck and swings it at my head.
The deck tilts sideways and I feel like I'm watching it in the 3rd person...remotley... and a feel it burning on the side of my face when it slams against the deck as a well of hot darkness envelops me. As vision fades I see The Precious kicked across the deck. If I could move I'd kill him for touching it. Just before everything fades to black I see Rastus and his small gerbil Army charging at the evil viking lunatic...
Killed by a village idiot with a horny helmet. Oh, the shame of it.
A voice in the darkness.
Whispers a name that's familiar in my mind.
Falconburger.
And it pisses me off. Rastus is off his dial because he started chewing on some of the magic brown sand that makes the water go brown and yummy in The Precious. He keeps on sniggering to himself about revenge and saying "watch out, charlies in the trees" and crazy stuff like that. He's also led a raid on the Gerbil cage in the captains cabin and freed his kinsmen. So now he has a Gerbil posse.
So here I sit on the parched deck, chewing brown sand as the boat sits dead still and idle in the mirrorlike calm of the sea. The sun beats down relentlessly. I close my eyes...
Conning wakes up... extracts himself from the helmet.... and looks about. Blood and feathers lay scattered and stuck to the deck. My eyes open, I hear a hiss as the moisture in them evaporates in a puff of steam. I smile at him, my parched and dry lips crack dribbling blood.
He looks at the feathers. Notices the discarded duck head laying on the deck... (I don't like anything I'm eating to look at me unless I know her name and shes bought me dinner). I reach over and protectivly draw the shiny metal precious closer to me. My fingers hiss as they touch the hot metal. They stick for a moment. Smells funny. Like burnt chicken.
Thats funny... he looks mad... his eyes go all wide and he points at the dead duck and waves his arms about. I don't know why he's so mad... I left him a drumstick (I'm a breast man) We laugh at him, the Precious an I...then he pulls the horny helmet out of the deck and swings it at my head.
The deck tilts sideways and I feel like I'm watching it in the 3rd person...remotley... and a feel it burning on the side of my face when it slams against the deck as a well of hot darkness envelops me. As vision fades I see The Precious kicked across the deck. If I could move I'd kill him for touching it. Just before everything fades to black I see Rastus and his small gerbil Army charging at the evil viking lunatic...
Killed by a village idiot with a horny helmet. Oh, the shame of it.
A voice in the darkness.
Whispers a name that's familiar in my mind.
Falconburger.
F... a duck.
Well... how lucky am I. I crept upstairs onto the deck of this wayward vessel and found that Conning the lunatic was laying on deck unconscious. Well... kinda laying. He must have landed from an angle cos his horny helmets horns are stuck in the deck and he's kinda hanging from his helmet like some weird modern art. So at least i can sneak about without a worry. Apparently the helmet isn't enough to protect one from landing on ones head. He must just wear it for decoration. Freak.
On the upside I found the largest duck in the world sitting on the prow of the ship. I reckon its wingspan was about as wide as...as....as... a wide thing!. Like a cow. Big it was... white too. Biggest duck I've ever seen. Majestic. Awesome example of nature.
So I brained it with The Precious and took it back below decks to share with Rastus.
As I dragged the twitching meal back to the deck hatch I noticed that the sails were suddenly loosing their shape. I hope the wind picks up soon of we'll never get anywhere.
I wonder where they keep the water on this boat... I need some for the precious...can't get it from the sea cosit tastes funny.
Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink.
Sigh. Yummy duck though.
On the upside I found the largest duck in the world sitting on the prow of the ship. I reckon its wingspan was about as wide as...as....as... a wide thing!. Like a cow. Big it was... white too. Biggest duck I've ever seen. Majestic. Awesome example of nature.
So I brained it with The Precious and took it back below decks to share with Rastus.
As I dragged the twitching meal back to the deck hatch I noticed that the sails were suddenly loosing their shape. I hope the wind picks up soon of we'll never get anywhere.
I wonder where they keep the water on this boat... I need some for the precious...can't get it from the sea cosit tastes funny.
Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink.
Sigh. Yummy duck though.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Launched
Well... it seems that we are at sea. Apparently Rastus does NOT like the rocking motion as he has thrown up through is pipe three times. Like a whale spouting water it rockets up and coats the ceiling of the wardrobe in which we hide in a disturbing multicoloured mess. And then it slowly drips back down.
The boat started to rock while that helmeted moron was trying to get it free when there was this thunderous explosion somwhere. it was so loud that it made my very bones tremble. Then we were thrown about like ragdolls. I hit my funnybone. It wasn't funny. Someone is going to suffer for that.
Just before we launched the boat (literally by the feel of it) I thought I saw someone else creep past the cabin door. I couldn't see more than a shadow as they passed but they made an odd sound... like when you blow over the mouth of a bottle.
A hollow sound. I must have imagined it.
I'm not actually sure if , after all the flying about in noisy upside down-ness, the helmet headed Conning made it back on board or not. So its entirly possible that we're adrift at sea. Unless that was a person I saw... the hollow noise person. Maybe I'm going a little crazy. And I'm getting hungry... even the slow but steady drip drip drip of Gerbil vomit raining from the ceiling cannot quell the hunger. I'd bite the bum out of low flying duck right now.
I might have to venture up stairs and steal some food.
The boat started to rock while that helmeted moron was trying to get it free when there was this thunderous explosion somwhere. it was so loud that it made my very bones tremble. Then we were thrown about like ragdolls. I hit my funnybone. It wasn't funny. Someone is going to suffer for that.
Just before we launched the boat (literally by the feel of it) I thought I saw someone else creep past the cabin door. I couldn't see more than a shadow as they passed but they made an odd sound... like when you blow over the mouth of a bottle.
A hollow sound. I must have imagined it.
I'm not actually sure if , after all the flying about in noisy upside down-ness, the helmet headed Conning made it back on board or not. So its entirly possible that we're adrift at sea. Unless that was a person I saw... the hollow noise person. Maybe I'm going a little crazy. And I'm getting hungry... even the slow but steady drip drip drip of Gerbil vomit raining from the ceiling cannot quell the hunger. I'd bite the bum out of low flying duck right now.
I might have to venture up stairs and steal some food.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Lord of the Gerbils
I have decided to recruit Rastus, thats the gerbils name.... well Rastusafian Gnarf Googlewhisker the 3rd actually. Calls himself Lord too... Lord of the Gerbils. Despite his obvious pompusness (I mean... who'd go around proclaiming themself a lord and huffing and puffing and stuff if they weren't an over stuffed fop) I've decided that a talking rodent might make a usefull ally. He's combing his hair now, admiring himslef in the grimy reflection of the precious as we hid in the cupboard.
Reminds me of something but I can't think what. I use the sliver of light that creeps through the cupboard door to check my refection in my mirror as the boat in which we hide wiggles about while I ponder.
I wish that hemlet headed buffoon would hurry up and steal this boat and get us anywhere but this god forsaken island. I'm sure I can still feel that bass thrumming rumble too.
It's getting stuffy in here... Rastus is puffing on his pipe and i'm sipping yummy precious drink. Glad I'm safe in here with my friend the talking Lord of the Gerbils and not out there with the crazy people.
Reminds me of something but I can't think what. I use the sliver of light that creeps through the cupboard door to check my refection in my mirror as the boat in which we hide wiggles about while I ponder.
I wish that hemlet headed buffoon would hurry up and steal this boat and get us anywhere but this god forsaken island. I'm sure I can still feel that bass thrumming rumble too.
It's getting stuffy in here... Rastus is puffing on his pipe and i'm sipping yummy precious drink. Glad I'm safe in here with my friend the talking Lord of the Gerbils and not out there with the crazy people.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Last call, boarding now
As I head back down the mountain I notice a slight trembling in the ground... a rumble so low that I'm not even sure if I can really hear it or not. One might even use the word 'ominous'. I notice in the shiney (and slightly blood spattered) reflective Precious a reflection on the mountain behind me.. it seems there is more smoke.
I'm probably imagining it. It's bound to be the smouldering carcasses of the accursed hairy monkey men that were slain by my righteous hand. A hear a hollowish clonk sound behind me... right behind me. I dive into the bushes yelling "SNIPER!" again... only to see a hairy ball roll across the trail. It must have fallen from a tree. Could have brained me. I wonder what a Sniper is?
My head hurts. My body feels.... embalmed... and kinda sticky. My eyes feel like there's sand mixed with ants in them. My tongue feels like its one that someone else has sold at a second hand store and I bought it thinking i was getting a bargain. ripped off. It feels like someones used it to sweep up glass on a sandpaper floor... whatever sandpaper is. The precious tells me that its good. All good.
Up ahead I can see that dodgy Conning fellow trying to shake the boat out of the tree. Using my stunning intellect I deduce that he is stealing it. Lucky for him whoever owns it has similarly rancid taste in headgear. When he's not looking I climb aboard all stealthy like and hide in the cupboard below deck.
As I crouch there amongst the smell of leather gimp suits a gerbil lurking in the corner of the cupboard says to me "Pssst... wanna help me dig a tunnel outta here!?".
He takes a puff on a tiny pipe, smoke lazily oozes from his whiskery nostrils as he hands me a teaspoon.
I'm probably imagining it. It's bound to be the smouldering carcasses of the accursed hairy monkey men that were slain by my righteous hand. A hear a hollowish clonk sound behind me... right behind me. I dive into the bushes yelling "SNIPER!" again... only to see a hairy ball roll across the trail. It must have fallen from a tree. Could have brained me. I wonder what a Sniper is?
My head hurts. My body feels.... embalmed... and kinda sticky. My eyes feel like there's sand mixed with ants in them. My tongue feels like its one that someone else has sold at a second hand store and I bought it thinking i was getting a bargain. ripped off. It feels like someones used it to sweep up glass on a sandpaper floor... whatever sandpaper is. The precious tells me that its good. All good.
Up ahead I can see that dodgy Conning fellow trying to shake the boat out of the tree. Using my stunning intellect I deduce that he is stealing it. Lucky for him whoever owns it has similarly rancid taste in headgear. When he's not looking I climb aboard all stealthy like and hide in the cupboard below deck.
As I crouch there amongst the smell of leather gimp suits a gerbil lurking in the corner of the cupboard says to me "Pssst... wanna help me dig a tunnel outta here!?".
He takes a puff on a tiny pipe, smoke lazily oozes from his whiskery nostrils as he hands me a teaspoon.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Bloody Monkeys
What is going on... here I am waking up again...
Last thing I remember is that fool with he horny helmet rocketing past me screaming like a little girl. Now I find myself leaning against the Very Bad Thing at the edge of the village. The same Very Bad Thing that cored Skook like an apple before hurling the hollow remains off the edge of the cliff.
And whats this... The Precious is red... no wait... it's red a dripping... the red is blood. Oh... I see I'm covered in blood. All around me are the bloodied remains of there are giblets swinging from trees like wind chimes. Well... bloody... wet ... floppy wind chimes.. . that don't chime. They just kinds slap together wetly. And drip.
Arms... Legs.. heads... various odds and ends... lay all around me... a veritable sea of dead monkey men. I sense others watching me fearfully from the darker corners of the village. Apparently they fear coming out now.
Wait... whats that... I thought I could hear a voice... a weasely.. hollow sound... "aww maate... not nice maaaate"... no wait... must be the wind.
As I comb my bloodslick hair into place I ponder why I would have gone on such a rampage. I guess the evil monkeys must have tried to take the Precious away... so that kinda justifies mass murder. The Precious provides me with a hot black drink that gives me energy and goodness. As I sip it, flicking unidenified sticky bits of monkey off the cup and admirning my gaunt features in my mirror I decide to head back into the jungle and try to launch the boat myself. The precious will show me the way now. I can't spend my days looking for a freak who keeps gerbils locked in a cage on his boat with his Horny Helmets and Gimp Suits. It could take forever to find someone that odd.
Last thing I remember is that fool with he horny helmet rocketing past me screaming like a little girl. Now I find myself leaning against the Very Bad Thing at the edge of the village. The same Very Bad Thing that cored Skook like an apple before hurling the hollow remains off the edge of the cliff.
And whats this... The Precious is red... no wait... it's red a dripping... the red is blood. Oh... I see I'm covered in blood. All around me are the bloodied remains of there are giblets swinging from trees like wind chimes. Well... bloody... wet ... floppy wind chimes.. . that don't chime. They just kinds slap together wetly. And drip.
Arms... Legs.. heads... various odds and ends... lay all around me... a veritable sea of dead monkey men. I sense others watching me fearfully from the darker corners of the village. Apparently they fear coming out now.
Wait... whats that... I thought I could hear a voice... a weasely.. hollow sound... "aww maate... not nice maaaate"... no wait... must be the wind.
As I comb my bloodslick hair into place I ponder why I would have gone on such a rampage. I guess the evil monkeys must have tried to take the Precious away... so that kinda justifies mass murder. The Precious provides me with a hot black drink that gives me energy and goodness. As I sip it, flicking unidenified sticky bits of monkey off the cup and admirning my gaunt features in my mirror I decide to head back into the jungle and try to launch the boat myself. The precious will show me the way now. I can't spend my days looking for a freak who keeps gerbils locked in a cage on his boat with his Horny Helmets and Gimp Suits. It could take forever to find someone that odd.
Monday, October 31, 2005
A Penetrating Scream
I think I'm suffering from Narcolepsy.... whatever that is...the amnesia keeps on making me forget... I keep on falling asleep. I need more of Mr Coffees magic. I'm twitching so much I think my outline is constantly fuzzy.
I woke up to a rather shrill and penetrating scream to find that the Very Bad Thing had been activated, its greased up ramming attachment thrusting forward with great thrusty lard force and malicious intent.
Hmm... That had to hurt.
I assume that funny felow Skook's body then went sailing off the edge of the cliff in to the smoking hole. Well.... it had to go somewhere as its not stuck on the end of the Very Bad Thing as one might expect.
Now that other fellow, Conning the Viking has broken free... it seems terror, much like lard, is a creat lubricant and he's wriggled free of his bonds. Maybe he got some on him as Skook became the hollow man. Lard that is.
The monkeys are quite agitated. The gerbils look disappointed.
He's running towards me... I could easily grab him and hide him in this hidey hole as he runs past..
But thats not what I'm here for... I need to find someone who can sail that boat I found in the tree.
I woke up to a rather shrill and penetrating scream to find that the Very Bad Thing had been activated, its greased up ramming attachment thrusting forward with great thrusty lard force and malicious intent.
Hmm... That had to hurt.
I assume that funny felow Skook's body then went sailing off the edge of the cliff in to the smoking hole. Well.... it had to go somewhere as its not stuck on the end of the Very Bad Thing as one might expect.
Now that other fellow, Conning the Viking has broken free... it seems terror, much like lard, is a creat lubricant and he's wriggled free of his bonds. Maybe he got some on him as Skook became the hollow man. Lard that is.
The monkeys are quite agitated. The gerbils look disappointed.
He's running towards me... I could easily grab him and hide him in this hidey hole as he runs past..
But thats not what I'm here for... I need to find someone who can sail that boat I found in the tree.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Dawn of Skook
I found some yummy mushrooms on my way down the hill into the village... the precious told me to eat them. As i got closer i realised that the two hapless silly headgear fashion victims were none other than Conning the Viking and Skook. In terrible danger and in need of rescue.
I fell asleep waiting for someone to show up to do that. Now its just on dawn and when I woke up I noticed that the Very Bad things Fisting attachment has been lined up with Skooks backside and currently sits there dripping lard and ooze onto the stony ground while he begs an whimpers. There is a black haze around his head. Flies. Drawn to the kittyhat. It does make quite a sorry sight.
If I didn't know better I'd say this Skook fellow is the kinda person who'd say "Yeah man..cool... excellent... we'll link up and play Dawn of War at 7 on thursday...yeah maaaate.....maaaaate" and then not show up. Chaos Whore.
Of course... I don't know what Dawn of War is... being an amnesiac fop lost in the jungle... it must be the mushrooms talking. And I wouldn't hold it against him...
Oh look... the monkeys are winding up the Very Bad Thing... it sounds like it's under a lot of pressure.
I fell asleep waiting for someone to show up to do that. Now its just on dawn and when I woke up I noticed that the Very Bad things Fisting attachment has been lined up with Skooks backside and currently sits there dripping lard and ooze onto the stony ground while he begs an whimpers. There is a black haze around his head. Flies. Drawn to the kittyhat. It does make quite a sorry sight.
If I didn't know better I'd say this Skook fellow is the kinda person who'd say "Yeah man..cool... excellent... we'll link up and play Dawn of War at 7 on thursday...yeah maaaate.....maaaaate" and then not show up. Chaos Whore.
Of course... I don't know what Dawn of War is... being an amnesiac fop lost in the jungle... it must be the mushrooms talking. And I wouldn't hold it against him...
Oh look... the monkeys are winding up the Very Bad Thing... it sounds like it's under a lot of pressure.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Lard Arse
Hmm... now they are tying the silly head gear club to odd racks that leave them bent over the edge or the precipice looking down into the smoky darkness... and they are lining up the big ram thingy with Mr Horny Helmet's backside. Oh look... one of the monkeys has a big tub of lard and he's greasing up the end of the ram.
A gerbil has just sauntered up beside me... he has a few gerbil friends... they are pointing at the bound duo near the Very Bad Thing and rubbing their paws togther. It's strangly disconcerting to hear a gerbil do the Mwa a a aaah laugh...
The mad hatters are getting quite animated now.... well as animated as one can when tied to a rack while a monkey lubes you up with lard that is...
I think I'll sneak closer so I can hear their begging. After I comb my hair of course.
A gerbil has just sauntered up beside me... he has a few gerbil friends... they are pointing at the bound duo near the Very Bad Thing and rubbing their paws togther. It's strangly disconcerting to hear a gerbil do the Mwa a a aaah laugh...
The mad hatters are getting quite animated now.... well as animated as one can when tied to a rack while a monkey lubes you up with lard that is...
I think I'll sneak closer so I can hear their begging. After I comb my hair of course.
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