"We should send the hound, Mun" Said Jeem-Bo
"Woot that!, Woof you!" Said Batman
"Aah think thats a no mah man" Said Elfis
"Send Falconburger" Muttered Conning in his sleep. They ignored the gimpdwarf as all gimpdwarves should be ignored.
"We should flip a coin mun" Said Jeem-bo "Let de fates decide"
"Ah-huh huh, aah like that plan man" Said Elfis fishing a dirty penny out of his manky sock.
Elfis flipped the coin high into the air. Time seemed to slow down as it turned over and over before landing on the ground between them with a dull thud... on its edge and rolled into the swamp with a gloop.
"Dis is ope less. I'll go and check it out" said Jeem-bo and slogged off into the swamp weilding a half full bottle of Slate.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Friday, June 27, 2008
Woof.
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon let go getsombeeeer" muttered Muck Swell as he crawled out of the Pub..
"Ve must be on zee lookout for zee think that smells like arss tho too... eef eet ees talking us I don't want an arse sneaking up on me in ze dark!" Said Aaahnult
"I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time" Said Conning
"You're the one behind him retard" said Cola as we all filed out of the pub.
Muck Swell informed us the green bitch who lived in a boot was somehwere in the Uberswamp to the east so off we slogged in the knee deep goop.
Some time later we arrived at what could be best describes a knob of land... poking up out of the swamp. It was the first dry-ish place we'd encountered all day and as it was starting to get dark it seemed the logical place to camp.
Muckswell produces some kindling from his loincloth.. or at least i assume it was kindling... it DID burn with a funny smell but that was a swamp and EVERYTHING smelled really. We settled down for the night.
"Woof" said Batman
"Whats that hound dog?... do you smell something" asked Elfis, who was on watch with Jeem-Bo.
"Woof" said Batman
"Say what?... where is it?" Asked elfis
"Woof" said Batman
"I can't see it?.. are you sure?" said Elfis peering into the murky darkness
"Woof! Woofdammit!" huffed Batman
"What ees it mun?" Asked Jeem-Bo...
"Mah man the hound dog says there's something over there lurkin" said Elfis
"Woof." Said Batman...
****vote****
Who investigates?
Jeem-Bo?
Elfis?
"Ve must be on zee lookout for zee think that smells like arss tho too... eef eet ees talking us I don't want an arse sneaking up on me in ze dark!" Said Aaahnult
"I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time" Said Conning
"You're the one behind him retard" said Cola as we all filed out of the pub.
Muck Swell informed us the green bitch who lived in a boot was somehwere in the Uberswamp to the east so off we slogged in the knee deep goop.
Some time later we arrived at what could be best describes a knob of land... poking up out of the swamp. It was the first dry-ish place we'd encountered all day and as it was starting to get dark it seemed the logical place to camp.
Muckswell produces some kindling from his loincloth.. or at least i assume it was kindling... it DID burn with a funny smell but that was a swamp and EVERYTHING smelled really. We settled down for the night.
"Woof" said Batman
"Whats that hound dog?... do you smell something" asked Elfis, who was on watch with Jeem-Bo.
"Woof" said Batman
"Say what?... where is it?" Asked elfis
"Woof" said Batman
"I can't see it?.. are you sure?" said Elfis peering into the murky darkness
"Woof! Woofdammit!" huffed Batman
"What ees it mun?" Asked Jeem-Bo...
"Mah man the hound dog says there's something over there lurkin" said Elfis
"Woof." Said Batman...
****vote****
Who investigates?
Jeem-Bo?
Elfis?
Monday, June 02, 2008
Smells like arse
"OK...now this is how I see it" I said as I tried to fix my immaculate hair using a serving tray as a mirror.
"We came into this forest to hunt the Beast of Bourbon. We got sidetracked, lost Abe to a ...a.... thingymonster...then dreadlocks..err...Jeem-Bo over here got sidetracked running through the forest with some sort of gender confused moose and a third party who was unidentified right?" I said.
"Yeah mun... I remember seeing the dreaded Gaymoose of Watamakan coming right for me and then nothing mun... I wakes up all bloodied and nekkid....er... " Replied our resident priest type monk fellow.
"What?...eet didn't try to attack you from behind?...dat sounds like eets usual m.o."
"You wanna see how far the musical twats guitar fits up YOUR arse mun?" growled Jeem-Bo
"OK... Beast of Bourbon, Gaymoose. Mysterious third party. Check." I mused
"An zen der were das dvopbears in zee forest ant our dwarf gimp man here" piped Aaanhult
"Well we never ACTUALLY saw a dropbear now did we you bovine knucklehead... YOU WERE TOO BUSY DROPPING ME OUT OF FARKING TREES!" said Cola
"Eet vaas ein accident!...Minotaurz...ve don't usually climb trees" Complained Aahnult
"Batman managed ok...ah-huh-huh"
"Woof"
"Aah aint no gimp..aaam a dwarf!...who just happened to FIND a crate of leathergoods...er" muttered the gimp.
"ANYWAY...." I said " There's the Beast of Bourbon, The Gaymoose, The mysterious third party, alleged dropbears, our dwarf gi..er.. Conning the Viking...who apparently 'rolled his boat' and crash into this forest..."
"Oooh oooh ooh... and the thing that smells like arse!" said Elfis
We all looked at him.
"Aww...c'mon man... you've all noticed it... that kid went missing back at the village.. people talkin about weird sounds like wind blowing over a bottle... and that SMELL that we keeps on gettin a whiff of... we're being stalked by a fell beast that smells like arse. ah-huh-huh... anybody got a burger?..I haven't eaten in five minutes...."
"Anna..anna...*burp*... the Lepper..leppercorn... lepp...short angry green bitch that stole the beer" gurgled Mr Swell from his slumped position under a table.
"OK...finally... Beast of Burbon, Gaymoose, Mysterious Third Party, Dropbears, a Thing that smells like Arse and an angry green beer stealing bitch -"
"Who lives in a boot" said Mr Swell
"Vot?"
"A boot..she...she.. lives in a boot. *burp*" replied Mucks
"A boot. A farking boot. You MUST be joking" Said Cola.
"OK.. so my point is... we're surrounded by enemies... even Conning the gimpdwarf wants to kill me... but I'm not to worried about him being short with me..." I waited... nothing. Imbeciles.
"Where should we concentrate our efforts?...just getting out of here alive willbe a miracle" I said to the bunch of miscreants.
*********VOTES/COMMENTS***********************
Beast of Burbon hunting
Gaymoose hunting
Mysterious Third Party
Dropbears hunting
Thing that smells like Arse
Angry green beer stealing bitch who lives in a boot
"We came into this forest to hunt the Beast of Bourbon. We got sidetracked, lost Abe to a ...a.... thingymonster...then dreadlocks..err...Jeem-Bo over here got sidetracked running through the forest with some sort of gender confused moose and a third party who was unidentified right?" I said.
"Yeah mun... I remember seeing the dreaded Gaymoose of Watamakan coming right for me and then nothing mun... I wakes up all bloodied and nekkid....er... " Replied our resident priest type monk fellow.
"What?...eet didn't try to attack you from behind?...dat sounds like eets usual m.o."
"You wanna see how far the musical twats guitar fits up YOUR arse mun?" growled Jeem-Bo
"OK... Beast of Bourbon, Gaymoose. Mysterious third party. Check." I mused
"An zen der were das dvopbears in zee forest ant our dwarf gimp man here" piped Aaanhult
"Well we never ACTUALLY saw a dropbear now did we you bovine knucklehead... YOU WERE TOO BUSY DROPPING ME OUT OF FARKING TREES!" said Cola
"Eet vaas ein accident!...Minotaurz...ve don't usually climb trees" Complained Aahnult
"Batman managed ok...ah-huh-huh"
"Woof"
"Aah aint no gimp..aaam a dwarf!...who just happened to FIND a crate of leathergoods...er" muttered the gimp.
"ANYWAY...." I said " There's the Beast of Bourbon, The Gaymoose, The mysterious third party, alleged dropbears, our dwarf gi..er.. Conning the Viking...who apparently 'rolled his boat' and crash into this forest..."
"Oooh oooh ooh... and the thing that smells like arse!" said Elfis
We all looked at him.
"Aww...c'mon man... you've all noticed it... that kid went missing back at the village.. people talkin about weird sounds like wind blowing over a bottle... and that SMELL that we keeps on gettin a whiff of... we're being stalked by a fell beast that smells like arse. ah-huh-huh... anybody got a burger?..I haven't eaten in five minutes...."
"Anna..anna...*burp*... the Lepper..leppercorn... lepp...short angry green bitch that stole the beer" gurgled Mr Swell from his slumped position under a table.
"OK...finally... Beast of Burbon, Gaymoose, Mysterious Third Party, Dropbears, a Thing that smells like Arse and an angry green beer stealing bitch -"
"Who lives in a boot" said Mr Swell
"Vot?"
"A boot..she...she.. lives in a boot. *burp*" replied Mucks
"A boot. A farking boot. You MUST be joking" Said Cola.
"OK.. so my point is... we're surrounded by enemies... even Conning the gimpdwarf wants to kill me... but I'm not to worried about him being short with me..." I waited... nothing. Imbeciles.
"Where should we concentrate our efforts?...just getting out of here alive willbe a miracle" I said to the bunch of miscreants.
*********VOTES/COMMENTS***********************
Beast of Burbon hunting
Gaymoose hunting
Mysterious Third Party
Dropbears hunting
Thing that smells like Arse
Angry green beer stealing bitch who lives in a boot
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A pub with no beer
"No farking BEER!... what do you mean there's no FARKING BEER you bald beanpole shaped freak!" exclaimed Cola, with her usual tact, at the barman of the Yew Fiddly.
"Im and im drunk it, to the last drop" Said the barman who could probably be nicknamed Lurch at this point.
Cola look over in the corner of the bar to see a small stocky pile of hairy malice talking to a Jeem-Bo. Well... to say talking might be stretching it..
"Ya..know... I can.. I can... out dwink ye..man.. anna look at this.. empty...EMPTEEEEE glass...you...you...farkin lucky... we're outta beer cos...ida..ida...ida.. kicked yer arshe I would. farkya." It said.
At this point it was hard to say it fell over but it at least leaned to one side and started snoring.
Cola approached Jeem-bo "You drink all the beer. I hate you."
"Hey der now meesy, aah didn't drink all of da beer - this mun had the last of it. I was trying to convince him to give it to me" He said.
"Who is this retard and why is there no beer in this pub!" proclaimed Cola at the rafters in general.
"Is name be Mr Swell, and the rest of the beer was stolen" said the barman polishing a glass as they always seem to be doing.
"Mr Swell?.. what kinda name is that" I asked
"Look whose talking Falconburger...ah-huh-huh" said Elfis. Prick.
"Point taken" I said and went back to my book.
"Woof" said batman... then he starting humping Mr Swells 'leg'.
"Who stole yer beer then Lurch?" asked Cola
"Well, there be a mad leprechaun livin up a tree not too far from here. She stole it, green haired trollip." He replied
"Ant you haven't gone to retrieef it vi?" asked Aahnult trying to to scrape his horns on the rafters.
"Small people scare me" Siad Lurch "They punch where it hurts"
"Well I'm suprised thats a threat to you...you androgynous tower of bald chicken" said Cola.
"You don't understand...she's SCARY!" complained Lurch.
"Leprechauns are hart to katch ya, but dey are nice with ein bit of pepper unt mushroomps unt pineaaahpoole onna stick." Said Aahnult
"Well... she uses MAGIC!..ask Mr Swell... he used to be tall!...He knows where to find her if you can get him to take you there..." said Lurch!
"What kinda magic?" I asked...suddenly interested in the world again?
"Ohh ees eet da magic dat shrinks your pe-...er.. oh nothink nevermind hey look ein spawwow" said Aahnult suddenly wandering off.
"Is it the kinda magic that...like.. when...when yer reading a book... ya suddenly find yerself in it?" Asked Mr Swell suddenly rising to consciousness
"Excuse me...before you pass out again...Do ya have a first name Mr Swell"
"*buuurp*...yeah...um... Mucks.... me name is Mucks"... then he subsided back into unconsciousness.
“Mucks Swell... when you wake up you’re going to show us where this green bitch who took the beer lives.” Said Cola.
"Woof" Said Batman... finally satisfied.
"Im and im drunk it, to the last drop" Said the barman who could probably be nicknamed Lurch at this point.
Cola look over in the corner of the bar to see a small stocky pile of hairy malice talking to a Jeem-Bo. Well... to say talking might be stretching it..
"Ya..know... I can.. I can... out dwink ye..man.. anna look at this.. empty...EMPTEEEEE glass...you...you...farkin lucky... we're outta beer cos...ida..ida...ida.. kicked yer arshe I would. farkya." It said.
At this point it was hard to say it fell over but it at least leaned to one side and started snoring.
Cola approached Jeem-bo "You drink all the beer. I hate you."
"Hey der now meesy, aah didn't drink all of da beer - this mun had the last of it. I was trying to convince him to give it to me" He said.
"Who is this retard and why is there no beer in this pub!" proclaimed Cola at the rafters in general.
"Is name be Mr Swell, and the rest of the beer was stolen" said the barman polishing a glass as they always seem to be doing.
"Mr Swell?.. what kinda name is that" I asked
"Look whose talking Falconburger...ah-huh-huh" said Elfis. Prick.
"Point taken" I said and went back to my book.
"Woof" said batman... then he starting humping Mr Swells 'leg'.
"Who stole yer beer then Lurch?" asked Cola
"Well, there be a mad leprechaun livin up a tree not too far from here. She stole it, green haired trollip." He replied
"Ant you haven't gone to retrieef it vi?" asked Aahnult trying to to scrape his horns on the rafters.
"Small people scare me" Siad Lurch "They punch where it hurts"
"Well I'm suprised thats a threat to you...you androgynous tower of bald chicken" said Cola.
"You don't understand...she's SCARY!" complained Lurch.
"Leprechauns are hart to katch ya, but dey are nice with ein bit of pepper unt mushroomps unt pineaaahpoole onna stick." Said Aahnult
"Well... she uses MAGIC!..ask Mr Swell... he used to be tall!...He knows where to find her if you can get him to take you there..." said Lurch!
"What kinda magic?" I asked...suddenly interested in the world again?
"Ohh ees eet da magic dat shrinks your pe-...er.. oh nothink nevermind hey look ein spawwow" said Aahnult suddenly wandering off.
"Is it the kinda magic that...like.. when...when yer reading a book... ya suddenly find yerself in it?" Asked Mr Swell suddenly rising to consciousness
"Excuse me...before you pass out again...Do ya have a first name Mr Swell"
"*buuurp*...yeah...um... Mucks.... me name is Mucks"... then he subsided back into unconsciousness.
“Mucks Swell... when you wake up you’re going to show us where this green bitch who took the beer lives.” Said Cola.
"Woof" Said Batman... finally satisfied.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
I KEEL YOU!
"Vell ve can't leaf heem here for das dvopbears!" Said Aahnult reaching out and yanking the dwarf out of the ground with one mighty yank.
I think it actually made him a little taller as he looked about 4 and a bit feet tall after that.
Conning made a foolish lunge at me screaming "I KEEL YOU!" as soon as his grubby feet hit the ground. I should have seen it coming really what with him being a dwarf and all. Violent grubby drunkards. Unfortunately for him Aahnult swept him up and held him under one arm like a toddler would hold a teddybear.
It was quite comical to watch the little feet wiggle about in frustration. To be honest, what with the pair of them having horns on their heads they kind of look like father and son.
"So... have you seen a big fella, smokes like a volcano, looks grumpy a lot and talks with a stupid accent about?" Asked Cola
"Bastard left me here to DIE... cos there is a pub over there!... I KEEL him!.. after I KEEL HIM!" he said struggling to reach me.
"Now das is no vay to be with your rescuers little man!" said Aahnult
"So.. how did you come to be stuck arse up in the forest surrounded by all this boat wreckage and bondage gear?" asked Cola
"I...er... rolled me boat. I might have fallen asleep at the wheel." said the dwarf sheepishly.
"Retard. Why the fark is it that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I MEET OUT HERE IS A FARKING RETARD!" She screamed at the sky in general.
Groaning she got up... "So where is this farkin pub then.. I need a drink like you wouldn't believe!"
I think it actually made him a little taller as he looked about 4 and a bit feet tall after that.
Conning made a foolish lunge at me screaming "I KEEL YOU!" as soon as his grubby feet hit the ground. I should have seen it coming really what with him being a dwarf and all. Violent grubby drunkards. Unfortunately for him Aahnult swept him up and held him under one arm like a toddler would hold a teddybear.
It was quite comical to watch the little feet wiggle about in frustration. To be honest, what with the pair of them having horns on their heads they kind of look like father and son.
"So... have you seen a big fella, smokes like a volcano, looks grumpy a lot and talks with a stupid accent about?" Asked Cola
"Bastard left me here to DIE... cos there is a pub over there!... I KEEL him!.. after I KEEL HIM!" he said struggling to reach me.
"Now das is no vay to be with your rescuers little man!" said Aahnult
"So.. how did you come to be stuck arse up in the forest surrounded by all this boat wreckage and bondage gear?" asked Cola
"I...er... rolled me boat. I might have fallen asleep at the wheel." said the dwarf sheepishly.
"Retard. Why the fark is it that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I MEET OUT HERE IS A FARKING RETARD!" She screamed at the sky in general.
Groaning she got up... "So where is this farkin pub then.. I need a drink like you wouldn't believe!"
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Two horny males, one leather clad half demon, one good looking wizard, a musical twat and a forest full of teeth.
Conning the Viking waited, leather clad arse in the air, helmet stuck in the earth and waited as the rain ran up his nose. Above him the noise suddenly increased in volume and took on a sound not unlike this:
-snAP!-
"Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!"
A woman... well sort of... she had a tail and little horns... fell face first into the mud next to him. She groaned and started to say "Mother F-" right before a series of other shapes thumped down out of the trees to form a pile of arms, legs, horns and a guitar on top of her.
"Gff d ffffk orfff Me muffaffarkrs!" exclaimed the muffled voice at the bottom of the pile.
The new arrivals untangled their selves in short order while helpfully encouraging one another.
"You retards.. I'm WOUNDED. Don't you get it? Harf Farkin dead and you take me and drop me out of a tree!"
"But I only vanted to see das dvopbear, i theek eet vil make ein nice loincloth seeing as i can not find das Beast of Bourbon and keel it yet"
"I'm all shook up" Said Elvis dusting of his (unfortunately) undamaged guitar.
"Hmm... I seem to have broken my mirror" said the tall dark and handsome wizard.
Conning looked up from his awkward position at the group... He looked at Falconburger... "Youuuuu!... I KEEEL you!" and started scrabbling around ineffectually...legs kicking the air.
At that moment several pairs of glowing red eyes appeared in the darkness around us... they cast just enough light to illuminate the very sharp teeth that came with each set of eyes.
"So... who the fark is this little fruitloop and why does he want to kill you Falconburger?" asked Cola
"I can't quite remember... he does look vaguely familiar though...but I think a more pressing question is do we name him pawn sacrifice and leave him here for the teeth or do we rescue him?... oh... and does my hair look ok?"
-----------------------
Leave the dwarf to be eaten or rescue him?
So... what do we do?
-snAP!-
"Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!"
A woman... well sort of... she had a tail and little horns... fell face first into the mud next to him. She groaned and started to say "Mother F-" right before a series of other shapes thumped down out of the trees to form a pile of arms, legs, horns and a guitar on top of her.
"Gff d ffffk orfff Me muffaffarkrs!" exclaimed the muffled voice at the bottom of the pile.
The new arrivals untangled their selves in short order while helpfully encouraging one another.
"You retards.. I'm WOUNDED. Don't you get it? Harf Farkin dead and you take me and drop me out of a tree!"
"But I only vanted to see das dvopbear, i theek eet vil make ein nice loincloth seeing as i can not find das Beast of Bourbon and keel it yet"
"I'm all shook up" Said Elvis dusting of his (unfortunately) undamaged guitar.
"Hmm... I seem to have broken my mirror" said the tall dark and handsome wizard.
Conning looked up from his awkward position at the group... He looked at Falconburger... "Youuuuu!... I KEEEL you!" and started scrabbling around ineffectually...legs kicking the air.
At that moment several pairs of glowing red eyes appeared in the darkness around us... they cast just enough light to illuminate the very sharp teeth that came with each set of eyes.
"So... who the fark is this little fruitloop and why does he want to kill you Falconburger?" asked Cola
"I can't quite remember... he does look vaguely familiar though...but I think a more pressing question is do we name him pawn sacrifice and leave him here for the teeth or do we rescue him?... oh... and does my hair look ok?"
-----------------------
Leave the dwarf to be eaten or rescue him?
So... what do we do?
Friday, August 31, 2007
Midget gets thrown to the wolves.... (or drop bears)...
Jeem-Bo looked down at the ragged leatherclad midget pinned to the ground by his ridiculous helmet.
"Aah feel for ya mun, ah really do. But ah cant be gettin yer all lubed up. Jus wouldn't be right mun!" Said Jeem-Bo
"Awww c'mon man!... I'm a gonner out 'er like this! Anything could find me here in the woods at night! I could get 'et! Why canna ye help me?" said the upsidedown one.
"Cos It would be wrong. Mun. In my mind there was der was a vote and now I must abandon you. And...well.. I'm not quite drunk enough to lube up a leatherclad bondage dwarf in a dark and scary forest. Yet."
Suddenly the wind took on a strange note... it echoed around the clearing hauntingly. It sounded like someone blowing across the mouth of a bottle.. hollow. With it came an ill wind.
"Gawd wots that smell? was that you?" asked the struggling midget.
"No... wasn't me. no idea mun, smells like arse tho. I'm off to that pub" Said Jeem-Bo
Jeem Bo wandered off in the direction of the alleged pub and left the stranded midget upside down in the rain.
The midget, hereafter known as Conning the Viking continued to try and get his head out of the helmet... until he heard a strange noise from above in the trees....
"Uh Oh..." muttered Conning failing totally and completely to look inconspicuous.
*****************
No votes needed really...but comments always influence the story.
"Aah feel for ya mun, ah really do. But ah cant be gettin yer all lubed up. Jus wouldn't be right mun!" Said Jeem-Bo
"Awww c'mon man!... I'm a gonner out 'er like this! Anything could find me here in the woods at night! I could get 'et! Why canna ye help me?" said the upsidedown one.
"Cos It would be wrong. Mun. In my mind there was der was a vote and now I must abandon you. And...well.. I'm not quite drunk enough to lube up a leatherclad bondage dwarf in a dark and scary forest. Yet."
Suddenly the wind took on a strange note... it echoed around the clearing hauntingly. It sounded like someone blowing across the mouth of a bottle.. hollow. With it came an ill wind.
"Gawd wots that smell? was that you?" asked the struggling midget.
"No... wasn't me. no idea mun, smells like arse tho. I'm off to that pub" Said Jeem-Bo
Jeem Bo wandered off in the direction of the alleged pub and left the stranded midget upside down in the rain.
The midget, hereafter known as Conning the Viking continued to try and get his head out of the helmet... until he heard a strange noise from above in the trees....
"Uh Oh..." muttered Conning failing totally and completely to look inconspicuous.
*****************
No votes needed really...but comments always influence the story.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Fear of a Drop bear?
"Vell... I fink ve are on ze trail..." Said Aaahnult
"Yeah, you're a real rocket scientist there Mooboy" Groaned Cola from her awkward position over the Minotaur's shoulder
"Vots a Wocket miss Cola?" asked Aaahnult
"Farked if i know - it just seemed appropriate all things considered."
"Woof" Said Batman.
The motley crue had followed the trail of weird footprints into the forest in search of Jeem Bo and found an area of bloodsmeared and destroyed forest. A battle had been fought here with no clear winner. Blood stained broken branches and bits of fur and torn clothing lay all about.
"Ah-huh huh - this is the trail all right but these footprints are weird... ist like there are 3 different sets... a mans, a moose and ...something else... like a bear or a wolf..." said Elfis crouching over the mixed tracks.
"Vot do you fink Mr Fulconburgler?" Ask the master of moo.
"He aint gonna help ya, he's too engrossed in Abes magic book" Said Cola
And it was true.... I wasn't so much reading the book as it was reading itself at me... the magic was pouring into my brain, soaking in. I liked it. I liked it a lot....
I looked up from the book briefly, glanced at the tangled tracks and asked "Why do only 2 sets of tracks leave this clearing - when there are three here?" then went back to my book.
Elfis looked again at the clearing..."Hey you're right.... Man tracks and moose tracks lead in.. bearwolf thing appear out for nowhere and then moose tracks and man tracks lead of in different directions... where did the bear thing come from?.....and it looks like the moose only has 3 legs"
"Maybe eet dvopped from das tree. Mein uncle lives in a place vhere das bears drop from das trees. Dey eat tourists. " Aaahnult looked fearfully at the darkness of the tangled treetops above.
"So... you two retards... which way?... follow the man footprints or the three legged moose.... or do you plan to climb the trees now and look for farkin drop bears?... i swear it was less painful being eaten by the crawly slime worm then listening to you two farken halfwit detectives. I really need a place to rest goddammit!" asked Cola in her usual polite tones.
******************************************
Follow man footprints....?
Follow three legged moose....?
Seek out the Drop bear in the treetops?
"Yeah, you're a real rocket scientist there Mooboy" Groaned Cola from her awkward position over the Minotaur's shoulder
"Vots a Wocket miss Cola?" asked Aaahnult
"Farked if i know - it just seemed appropriate all things considered."
"Woof" Said Batman.
The motley crue had followed the trail of weird footprints into the forest in search of Jeem Bo and found an area of bloodsmeared and destroyed forest. A battle had been fought here with no clear winner. Blood stained broken branches and bits of fur and torn clothing lay all about.
"Ah-huh huh - this is the trail all right but these footprints are weird... ist like there are 3 different sets... a mans, a moose and ...something else... like a bear or a wolf..." said Elfis crouching over the mixed tracks.
"Vot do you fink Mr Fulconburgler?" Ask the master of moo.
"He aint gonna help ya, he's too engrossed in Abes magic book" Said Cola
And it was true.... I wasn't so much reading the book as it was reading itself at me... the magic was pouring into my brain, soaking in. I liked it. I liked it a lot....
I looked up from the book briefly, glanced at the tangled tracks and asked "Why do only 2 sets of tracks leave this clearing - when there are three here?" then went back to my book.
Elfis looked again at the clearing..."Hey you're right.... Man tracks and moose tracks lead in.. bearwolf thing appear out for nowhere and then moose tracks and man tracks lead of in different directions... where did the bear thing come from?.....and it looks like the moose only has 3 legs"
"Maybe eet dvopped from das tree. Mein uncle lives in a place vhere das bears drop from das trees. Dey eat tourists. " Aaahnult looked fearfully at the darkness of the tangled treetops above.
"So... you two retards... which way?... follow the man footprints or the three legged moose.... or do you plan to climb the trees now and look for farkin drop bears?... i swear it was less painful being eaten by the crawly slime worm then listening to you two farken halfwit detectives. I really need a place to rest goddammit!" asked Cola in her usual polite tones.
******************************************
Follow man footprints....?
Follow three legged moose....?
Seek out the Drop bear in the treetops?
Friday, April 13, 2007
Well . . . Helllooooooo Sailor...
Jeem Bo continued to make his way through the dark forest in the pelting rain. The dim light grew closer and when the lightening flashed again overhead he could make out what looked like a boat, laying on its side precariously being held up by what was left of the central mast.
Strewn about the place was all manner of nautical paraphernalia as well as naughty-cal leather and bondage gear. It looked like a comet from planet Whipmebitch had collided with the boat at the exact moment it was where boats should not be... in the forest.
The light was coming from a few burning pieces of wood laying about under the shelter of the upturned boat... and Jeem Bo noticed that a lot of the scattered remnants had a somewhat burned look about them. The clearing reeked of ozone, leather and burnt lard.
Jeem Bo noticed movement under the boat so he cautiously approached to find a curious little man in something of a predicament.
The short little fellow, clad only in tight black leather shorts was pinned to the ground by hit helmet which sported rather large comical horns. One might call it a horny helmet. It seemed that the midget for want of a better word had fallen horns first and they'd stuck into the ground... and the force of the landing had rammed his head too tightly into the helmet to get it back out again.
Jeemo Bo approached the midget..."Yo Mun... um... you ok unda der?"
"Erm...um... om stuck" said the upsidedown one.
"No sheet mun, ow did you end up 'ere... in a boat?... ders no sea for miles mun"
"Er..um...well... last night... um... there was a ...party... and um... well... I fell asleep at the wheel I think... I seem to have rolled it. The boat that is.. and I think that somehow I got struck by lightening as well. It hasn't been my day really."
"Rolled it?... you're MILES from the sea mun!"
"Aye, it was a good party!... um would you mind helping me out of here?" Said the leatherclad one.
"Um..ok mun.. I'll give eet a go..." said the unclad one.
Jeem Bo grabbed the midgets feet and tried pulling him free of the helmet... the lightning flashed over head and when an owl saw the bright silhouette of naked Jeem Bo tugging on the leatherclad midget...it was forced to peck its own eyes out..
"Doesn't seem to be workin mun, yer noggin be stuck in that hole good" Said Jeem Bo
"Um...well... there's a bucket of lard over there... maybe you better rub some on me so I can slip out?... then I'll buy you a drink at the pub i saw briefly as i came crashing through the treetops... its just over there..."
The midget waved his hand in the general direction of the alleged pub...
"Pub...?" Said Jeem Bo... eyes lighting up...
Somewhere in the not to distant forest a moose...er... moose-noised.
**********************
Will Jeem Bo lube up the stricken midget in order to free him from his Horny Helmet?
Or will Jeem Bo abandon the leatherclad shortarse and head to the pub...?
Strewn about the place was all manner of nautical paraphernalia as well as naughty-cal leather and bondage gear. It looked like a comet from planet Whipmebitch had collided with the boat at the exact moment it was where boats should not be... in the forest.
The light was coming from a few burning pieces of wood laying about under the shelter of the upturned boat... and Jeem Bo noticed that a lot of the scattered remnants had a somewhat burned look about them. The clearing reeked of ozone, leather and burnt lard.
Jeem Bo noticed movement under the boat so he cautiously approached to find a curious little man in something of a predicament.
The short little fellow, clad only in tight black leather shorts was pinned to the ground by hit helmet which sported rather large comical horns. One might call it a horny helmet. It seemed that the midget for want of a better word had fallen horns first and they'd stuck into the ground... and the force of the landing had rammed his head too tightly into the helmet to get it back out again.
Jeemo Bo approached the midget..."Yo Mun... um... you ok unda der?"
"Erm...um... om stuck" said the upsidedown one.
"No sheet mun, ow did you end up 'ere... in a boat?... ders no sea for miles mun"
"Er..um...well... last night... um... there was a ...party... and um... well... I fell asleep at the wheel I think... I seem to have rolled it. The boat that is.. and I think that somehow I got struck by lightening as well. It hasn't been my day really."
"Rolled it?... you're MILES from the sea mun!"
"Aye, it was a good party!... um would you mind helping me out of here?" Said the leatherclad one.
"Um..ok mun.. I'll give eet a go..." said the unclad one.
Jeem Bo grabbed the midgets feet and tried pulling him free of the helmet... the lightning flashed over head and when an owl saw the bright silhouette of naked Jeem Bo tugging on the leatherclad midget...it was forced to peck its own eyes out..
"Doesn't seem to be workin mun, yer noggin be stuck in that hole good" Said Jeem Bo
"Um...well... there's a bucket of lard over there... maybe you better rub some on me so I can slip out?... then I'll buy you a drink at the pub i saw briefly as i came crashing through the treetops... its just over there..."
The midget waved his hand in the general direction of the alleged pub...
"Pub...?" Said Jeem Bo... eyes lighting up...
Somewhere in the not to distant forest a moose...er... moose-noised.
**********************
Will Jeem Bo lube up the stricken midget in order to free him from his Horny Helmet?
Or will Jeem Bo abandon the leatherclad shortarse and head to the pub...?
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Lightening crashes
Jeem Bo got up as it slowly began to rain. There was a chain attached to the anchor, well..half a chain. At least, he hoped... it pointed in the direction from which it had come...
He climbed in the direction that the chain pointed and by the time he'd gone 10 feet the rain had increased to a steady downpour. Thunder rumbled overhead and the occasional flash of lightning lit up what parts of the forest it could penetrate through the tree tops.
After a few minutes Jeem Bo couldn't help but notice a lot of broken branches on the ground. They roughly followed he direction the anchor chain had pointed. It looked like something had gone across the tops of the trees and smashed the tops of them to bits.
A few more steps and he found a small broken cage on the ground... and a pair of black leather shorts. Unfortunately they were more the size a gerbil would wear so he didn't consider trying them on.
A few more steps and he found an overturned bucket... several soapy frogs were slithering about in the rain... and a pair of shiny handcuffs hanging from a tree.
A heavy rag fell from a tree and landed on his head... as it turned out it wasn't a rag but a flag.
Jeem Bo had never seen a flag quite like it... made from leather with metal studs all over it spelling out a word he couldn't quite see in the gloom...
Suddenly the lightning flared directly overhead... and he could read the leather flag.
'DODGERELLA'
He climbed in the direction that the chain pointed and by the time he'd gone 10 feet the rain had increased to a steady downpour. Thunder rumbled overhead and the occasional flash of lightning lit up what parts of the forest it could penetrate through the tree tops.
After a few minutes Jeem Bo couldn't help but notice a lot of broken branches on the ground. They roughly followed he direction the anchor chain had pointed. It looked like something had gone across the tops of the trees and smashed the tops of them to bits.
A few more steps and he found a small broken cage on the ground... and a pair of black leather shorts. Unfortunately they were more the size a gerbil would wear so he didn't consider trying them on.
A few more steps and he found an overturned bucket... several soapy frogs were slithering about in the rain... and a pair of shiny handcuffs hanging from a tree.
A heavy rag fell from a tree and landed on his head... as it turned out it wasn't a rag but a flag.
Jeem Bo had never seen a flag quite like it... made from leather with metal studs all over it spelling out a word he couldn't quite see in the gloom...
Suddenly the lightning flared directly overhead... and he could read the leather flag.
'DODGERELLA'
Friday, March 30, 2007
Trippin'
Jeem Bo got up and started towards the distant hint of light, grabbing a leaf off the tree as he passed it. he endeavored to attach it somehow to his person in such a way as to make himself slightly decent.
Grumbling and mumbling he stumbled into the darkness.
Off in the distance he heard a familiar sounds. The dreaded Gaymoose Of Watamakan still lurked out in the darkness it seemed but it sounded wounded and fairly pissed off.
Jeem Bo tripped over something sharp and landed on his face in the dirt.
Groaning in pain and annoyance he rolled over to find his foot all bloodied with his own blood this time... and in the dim light he could just make out what it was he'd tripped over.
An anchor.
"What the fark is an anchor doing out here in the forest" he asked nobody in particular.
As he lay there on his back, mostly naked, with teethmarks in his arse watching the star through the shifting tree branches above he heard a skittering noise in the bushes.
A gerbil ran out of the bushes, past him and vanished in the darkness.
Fair enough, a gerbil is not so unusual in the forest. This one stood out because it had a leather vest and a studded collar on.
Jeem Bo lay there thinking...
A boat anchor...
Leather clad gerbil...
What the f...
Oh...damn... thats not a fig. Thats poison ivy.
Grumbling and mumbling he stumbled into the darkness.
Off in the distance he heard a familiar sounds. The dreaded Gaymoose Of Watamakan still lurked out in the darkness it seemed but it sounded wounded and fairly pissed off.
Jeem Bo tripped over something sharp and landed on his face in the dirt.
Groaning in pain and annoyance he rolled over to find his foot all bloodied with his own blood this time... and in the dim light he could just make out what it was he'd tripped over.
An anchor.
"What the fark is an anchor doing out here in the forest" he asked nobody in particular.
As he lay there on his back, mostly naked, with teethmarks in his arse watching the star through the shifting tree branches above he heard a skittering noise in the bushes.
A gerbil ran out of the bushes, past him and vanished in the darkness.
Fair enough, a gerbil is not so unusual in the forest. This one stood out because it had a leather vest and a studded collar on.
Jeem Bo lay there thinking...
A boat anchor...
Leather clad gerbil...
What the f...
Oh...damn... thats not a fig. Thats poison ivy.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Jeem Bo isn't happy.
Jeem Bo slowly wakes up.
Jeem Bo finds himself alone in the dark forest. How long he's been here, he doesn't know.
Jeem Bo has lost his weapons, his clothes, his pack and is in a somewhat awkward (and shivery cold) position in the depths of the forest.
Jeem Bo doesn't remember getting here. The last thing he remembers is a blur of antlers, hooves, angry gay moose snorting and then... nothing.
Jeem Bo can smell Bourbon yet there is none to be found much to his disgust.
Jeem Bo can see a light somewhere to the north in the distant forest.
Jeem Bo can see a fig tree.
Jeem Bo can see a trail of blood leading south and notices that he has a considerable amount on his person. The blood is dry and crusty. Ick. It doesn't seem to be leaking from his own private reserve though.
Jeem Bo has fur in his teeth, scratches on his back and teeth marks in his arse.
Jeem Bo isn't happy.
Whats does Jeem Bo do?
************* VOTE *******************
So?... what does Jeem Bo Do?
Jeem Bo finds himself alone in the dark forest. How long he's been here, he doesn't know.
Jeem Bo has lost his weapons, his clothes, his pack and is in a somewhat awkward (and shivery cold) position in the depths of the forest.
Jeem Bo doesn't remember getting here. The last thing he remembers is a blur of antlers, hooves, angry gay moose snorting and then... nothing.
Jeem Bo can smell Bourbon yet there is none to be found much to his disgust.
Jeem Bo can see a light somewhere to the north in the distant forest.
Jeem Bo can see a fig tree.
Jeem Bo can see a trail of blood leading south and notices that he has a considerable amount on his person. The blood is dry and crusty. Ick. It doesn't seem to be leaking from his own private reserve though.
Jeem Bo has fur in his teeth, scratches on his back and teeth marks in his arse.
Jeem Bo isn't happy.
Whats does Jeem Bo do?
************* VOTE *******************
So?... what does Jeem Bo Do?
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Man down, Cola burned, Falconburger stuck in a moment....
Pah!... *cough*.... clunk... tinkle...
Voices in the darkness... they sound like they are far away.
"Der he eez!, unter dat vubble der"
"Ah huh huh, c'mon man, lets dig him out"
"I sink he cast a magic shpell wit Apes book, ant judging by dat grin on hits face... even vith all day dirt in his teef ve should leaf dat book in his hant"
"I hear ya brother, help me lift this rock"
"Woof woof snarflyglaubsnoofsnoof"
"Butman stop with das humping! bad puppy!"
"Mein Got, he blew up half of das cave, he is lucky it didn't all cave in!"
"Ok... now were out where is the man mountain?... has he run runaway."
"I do now know but der has been a scuffle here look... footprints, hoof prints..."
"Ahuh huh, and look... something else... some sorta clawed prints"
"Arg... will you two farkwits stop with you're dicking around and get me patched up... C'mon ! I'm half dead here...*cough*... where the fark is our medic?... where is Abe?"
"Ape ist gone mein Cola, he died heroically savink you, and das new guy ist in a state from das magic. Jeem bo is missing and ve are all alone in das forest at night"
"Ah huh huh, don't worry baby, we'll look after you"
"Fark me. I'm doomed."
"Wuf wuf".
"Vell ve have a choice... der is a creek heading dat vay or the trail leading that vay, deeper into das forest. Ve know the stream heads tovards das loot filled ruins dat we seek but in das forest ve may find help for our fallen Cola, i sink ve might find an Inn or at least a cottage I hope"
"Ah huh huh.. or we could follow this other set of mangled footprints that might lead us to Jeem Bo..."
"Wuf"
"If I could move I'd kill myself an save myself the trouble. God i feel like my entire body is sunburned to the core... and how am I gonna get these stain out of this leather goddamit"
"Hey look.. I found das robe wot Jeembo wears over here in das bushes... ver could he be?... and look.. der is fur stuck to it... is it moose fur or something else?"
"Hey hey Batman, you hound dog... where did you find that gerbil?...ah huh huh..."
*****************************
Path deeper into the forest, looking for help for Cola ?... or follow the stream and see where it leads... or follow the footprints in the other direction looking for Jeem Bo?
Stream
Path
Footprints
Voices in the darkness... they sound like they are far away.
"Der he eez!, unter dat vubble der"
"Ah huh huh, c'mon man, lets dig him out"
"I sink he cast a magic shpell wit Apes book, ant judging by dat grin on hits face... even vith all day dirt in his teef ve should leaf dat book in his hant"
"I hear ya brother, help me lift this rock"
"Woof woof snarflyglaubsnoofsnoof"
"Butman stop with das humping! bad puppy!"
"Mein Got, he blew up half of das cave, he is lucky it didn't all cave in!"
"Ok... now were out where is the man mountain?... has he run runaway."
"I do now know but der has been a scuffle here look... footprints, hoof prints..."
"Ahuh huh, and look... something else... some sorta clawed prints"
"Arg... will you two farkwits stop with you're dicking around and get me patched up... C'mon ! I'm half dead here...*cough*... where the fark is our medic?... where is Abe?"
"Ape ist gone mein Cola, he died heroically savink you, and das new guy ist in a state from das magic. Jeem bo is missing and ve are all alone in das forest at night"
"Ah huh huh, don't worry baby, we'll look after you"
"Fark me. I'm doomed."
"Wuf wuf".
"Vell ve have a choice... der is a creek heading dat vay or the trail leading that vay, deeper into das forest. Ve know the stream heads tovards das loot filled ruins dat we seek but in das forest ve may find help for our fallen Cola, i sink ve might find an Inn or at least a cottage I hope"
"Ah huh huh.. or we could follow this other set of mangled footprints that might lead us to Jeem Bo..."
"Wuf"
"If I could move I'd kill myself an save myself the trouble. God i feel like my entire body is sunburned to the core... and how am I gonna get these stain out of this leather goddamit"
"Hey look.. I found das robe wot Jeembo wears over here in das bushes... ver could he be?... and look.. der is fur stuck to it... is it moose fur or something else?"
"Hey hey Batman, you hound dog... where did you find that gerbil?...ah huh huh..."
*****************************
Path deeper into the forest, looking for help for Cola ?... or follow the stream and see where it leads... or follow the footprints in the other direction looking for Jeem Bo?
Stream
Path
Footprints
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Atomic Wedgie
Meanwhile - back in the cave...
The critters crawled and wriggled across the ceiling towards us like giant questing translucent fingers full of malice and teeth. We scrambled back towards the cavern entrance... Aaahnult throwing the slimy half dead Cola over his beefy shoulders while Batman barked at the oncoming wormfest bravely... well... slowly backing towards the entrance with his chest puffed out and some extra drool spraying about as he barked for good measure.
The crawly menace that has swallowed Abe was now at the back of the pack of monsters no doubt savoring it's dinner who had now stopped struggling and was looking at us through its slimy hide from the inside as he rapidly started to dissolve. I'm not sure if Abe was already gone from pain or lack of oxygen but he still managed to fix us with a look of contempt... well... at least before his eyes dissolved. I kinda wish he'd stop glowing like that!
As if we didn't have enough problems in the cave with the crawly critters trying to eat us..... suddenly a terrible howl echoed into the cave from OUTSIDE... like a thousand people had suddenly been given atomic wedgie of epic and unwelcomely invasive proportions.
So here we are in full retreat, with wounded and one lost soul... back peddling into some other sort of trouble! What the hell is going on outside with Jeem Bo!
I reached down and picked up Abe's book of magic... as my fingertips brushed it's weathered leather binding, black spidery arcs of energy reached out to me. Oooh... warm and fuzzy. I'm lost in the moment...
When I come back out of it...that warm and fuzzy moment... there's a crawler's oozy toothy maw of nastiness bearing down on me as the others back out the cave door...
I open the book to a random page - or did i?.... the book's open and the words are reading themselves into my head...
*Atomic : no idea what that word means... that Mr Glock fruitloop back at my castle used to use it when he was talking about beer steins, knickers and apples. I got the feeling it meant big. Damn foreigners.
*************************************************
NOTE to the vast readership of ...well...3ish people... feel free to leave comments/suggestions/abuse/threats at any time - not just when there's a vote! You can influence the story that way.... as you've seen all it takes is a stray comment change an angry moose into a Gay moose that then becomes the Gaymoose of Watamakan : Nemisis of Jeem Bo ;-)
The critters crawled and wriggled across the ceiling towards us like giant questing translucent fingers full of malice and teeth. We scrambled back towards the cavern entrance... Aaahnult throwing the slimy half dead Cola over his beefy shoulders while Batman barked at the oncoming wormfest bravely... well... slowly backing towards the entrance with his chest puffed out and some extra drool spraying about as he barked for good measure.
The crawly menace that has swallowed Abe was now at the back of the pack of monsters no doubt savoring it's dinner who had now stopped struggling and was looking at us through its slimy hide from the inside as he rapidly started to dissolve. I'm not sure if Abe was already gone from pain or lack of oxygen but he still managed to fix us with a look of contempt... well... at least before his eyes dissolved. I kinda wish he'd stop glowing like that!
As if we didn't have enough problems in the cave with the crawly critters trying to eat us..... suddenly a terrible howl echoed into the cave from OUTSIDE... like a thousand people had suddenly been given atomic wedgie of epic and unwelcomely invasive proportions.
So here we are in full retreat, with wounded and one lost soul... back peddling into some other sort of trouble! What the hell is going on outside with Jeem Bo!
I reached down and picked up Abe's book of magic... as my fingertips brushed it's weathered leather binding, black spidery arcs of energy reached out to me. Oooh... warm and fuzzy. I'm lost in the moment...
When I come back out of it...that warm and fuzzy moment... there's a crawler's oozy toothy maw of nastiness bearing down on me as the others back out the cave door...
I open the book to a random page - or did i?.... the book's open and the words are reading themselves into my head...
*Atomic : no idea what that word means... that Mr Glock fruitloop back at my castle used to use it when he was talking about beer steins, knickers and apples. I got the feeling it meant big. Damn foreigners.
*************************************************
NOTE to the vast readership of ...well...3ish people... feel free to leave comments/suggestions/abuse/threats at any time - not just when there's a vote! You can influence the story that way.... as you've seen all it takes is a stray comment change an angry moose into a Gay moose that then becomes the Gaymoose of Watamakan : Nemisis of Jeem Bo ;-)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
The dark side of the Moose
Meanwhile outside the cave...
Jeem Bo watched the shadows and waited, in the light of the full moon he took a hit from the bottle of Slate and eyed the shadows of the forest warily.
"Dat Moose sound was da sound of da infamous Gaymoose of Watamakan, why oh why does it continues to stalk me afta all deese years, Mun?" He said to the darkness.
He watched the shadows.
They watched him back.
"And it wasn't even a gay Gaymoose till I implied it was a gay moose. I bought this on mahself. Mun"
The Shadows moved...
"So we meet again my old enemy" Said Jeem Bo taking another swig of Slate and blowing a smoke ring towards his behooved nemesis.
"Dats de only ring you'll be seein' tonight yer antlered freakjob!"
The Gaymoose of Watamakan stepped out of the shadows to reveal itself in all its horrible glory.
Jeem Bo watched the shadows and waited, in the light of the full moon he took a hit from the bottle of Slate and eyed the shadows of the forest warily.
"Dat Moose sound was da sound of da infamous Gaymoose of Watamakan, why oh why does it continues to stalk me afta all deese years, Mun?" He said to the darkness.
He watched the shadows.
They watched him back.
"And it wasn't even a gay Gaymoose till I implied it was a gay moose. I bought this on mahself. Mun"
The Shadows moved...
"So we meet again my old enemy" Said Jeem Bo taking another swig of Slate and blowing a smoke ring towards his behooved nemesis.
"Dats de only ring you'll be seein' tonight yer antlered freakjob!"
The Gaymoose of Watamakan stepped out of the shadows to reveal itself in all its horrible glory.
Game over man, GAME OVER!
Elfis slowly dragged the now unconscious Cola back out of the crawly things throat while Aaahnult and Batman wrestled and fought with the rest of the creature. Abe backed up against the wall desperately trying to cast another spell on the creature before it reached him.
As I got up from where I'd fallen over Batman I caught sight of a movement deeper in the cavern... The light emanating from Abe wasn't quite enough to reveal what it was though... something glinting...
Suddenly the crawly beast rolled over and shook both Aaahnult and Batman off just as Elfis dragged Cola free and tumbled to the ground amidst a rain of splinters and goo as the guitar shattered with a discordant and slightly soggy TWANG.
Risking messing up my immaculate haircut and dashing good looks I bravely managed to grab both Elfis and Cola and drag them back towards the cave entrance, slippery and goo covered as they were. Cola moaned in pain as she started to regain consciousness.
The crawly beast lunged at Abe and grabbed his feet, sweeping him off the ground and swinging him around the room. His book of magic and various other odds and ends out of his pockets sailing around the room...
As Abe got sucked screaming curses into the beasts maw I turned and fell over something on the floor...
The crawler leapt up and started crawling across the roof of the cavern and heading deeper inside... the light emanating from Abes struggling body lighting it up like a giant glow worm.
As the light began to flicker, like a faulty fluorescent- er... candle in a breeze we saw the whole back of the cavern start to wriggle... the crawler had a family!... they were everywhere!
Aaahnult picked up Batman and his Axe.
"Dey is comink out of das valls ! Game over man, game over!"
I spat the dust out and looked to see what had tripped me... at my feet was Abes book of magic...
"Ve can't vin against dem all!" cried Aaahnult
"Ahh huh huh" Said Elfis
"Ve must retreat!"
The glow worm's family approached us full of menace, slime and one glowing , weakly struggling and slowly dissolving Abe.
The book of magic called to me... it sparkled... it looked precious...
****************************************
Will Falconburger steal the magic book and risk being turned into a frog?
(don't worry - I haven't forgotten about the Angry Moose votes...)
As I got up from where I'd fallen over Batman I caught sight of a movement deeper in the cavern... The light emanating from Abe wasn't quite enough to reveal what it was though... something glinting...
Suddenly the crawly beast rolled over and shook both Aaahnult and Batman off just as Elfis dragged Cola free and tumbled to the ground amidst a rain of splinters and goo as the guitar shattered with a discordant and slightly soggy TWANG.
Risking messing up my immaculate haircut and dashing good looks I bravely managed to grab both Elfis and Cola and drag them back towards the cave entrance, slippery and goo covered as they were. Cola moaned in pain as she started to regain consciousness.
The crawly beast lunged at Abe and grabbed his feet, sweeping him off the ground and swinging him around the room. His book of magic and various other odds and ends out of his pockets sailing around the room...
As Abe got sucked screaming curses into the beasts maw I turned and fell over something on the floor...
The crawler leapt up and started crawling across the roof of the cavern and heading deeper inside... the light emanating from Abes struggling body lighting it up like a giant glow worm.
As the light began to flicker, like a faulty fluorescent- er... candle in a breeze we saw the whole back of the cavern start to wriggle... the crawler had a family!... they were everywhere!
Aaahnult picked up Batman and his Axe.
"Dey is comink out of das valls ! Game over man, game over!"
I spat the dust out and looked to see what had tripped me... at my feet was Abes book of magic...
"Ve can't vin against dem all!" cried Aaahnult
"Ahh huh huh" Said Elfis
"Ve must retreat!"
The glow worm's family approached us full of menace, slime and one glowing , weakly struggling and slowly dissolving Abe.
The book of magic called to me... it sparkled... it looked precious...
****************************************
Will Falconburger steal the magic book and risk being turned into a frog?
(don't worry - I haven't forgotten about the Angry Moose votes...)
Friday, December 15, 2006
Elfis goes deep throat
Into the cave and into darkness and chaos.
"Ahh Vill safe yoo mein freint!" Bellowed the Minotaur in the darkness
For a brief moment the cavern is illuminated as Aaahnult's greataxe scrapes across the stone and I see the beastly crawly thing lunge at him.
More darkness... more scrabbling... I trip over something that yaps at me. Batman the bulldog.
Words creep into the darkness, in a language that makes ones skin crawl... magic.
Suddenly the cavern is lit up as Abe begins to glow. He's crouched in a corner with his book o magic in one hand and his magic staff in the other.
The crawler stops attacking Aaahnult and immediately turns in the direction of the light.
"Ahh fark" mutters Abe quickly preparing to cast another spell.
I think the crawler is drawn to the light - or the magic?
Aaahnult drops his axe, there's no room to swing it in here and leaps on the crawler, bear hugging it's midsection. Its skin oozes slippery goo and he has a hard time getting a grip. I can see cola twitching halfway down is throat because its skin is transparent. Her skin is starting to dissolve. I bravely throw up on Batman.
To my shock and dismay, Elfis runs past me, leaps up and wedges one foot on the crawlers bottom jaw and wrenches it open, shoving his grubby guitar in its maw to wedge it open... the creature bucked and writhed about, trying to shake off Aaahnult and Elfis and get to Abe who was starting to back away rather quickly.... but its hard to hide when you are the light!
Batman waddles as fast as his rotund slobbering frame and muster and latches onto the beasts tail.
"There's a whole lotta shakin goin' on" sings Elfis with a mad gleam in his eye as he reaches down the beasts deep throat with his one spare hand and grabs Cola's hand.
The strings twang and snap on the dodgy guitar as it begins to bow under the pressure of the beasts jaws...
This can't be happening... Elfis can't be the Hero!
"Ahh Vill safe yoo mein freint!" Bellowed the Minotaur in the darkness
For a brief moment the cavern is illuminated as Aaahnult's greataxe scrapes across the stone and I see the beastly crawly thing lunge at him.
More darkness... more scrabbling... I trip over something that yaps at me. Batman the bulldog.
Words creep into the darkness, in a language that makes ones skin crawl... magic.
Suddenly the cavern is lit up as Abe begins to glow. He's crouched in a corner with his book o magic in one hand and his magic staff in the other.
The crawler stops attacking Aaahnult and immediately turns in the direction of the light.
"Ahh fark" mutters Abe quickly preparing to cast another spell.
I think the crawler is drawn to the light - or the magic?
Aaahnult drops his axe, there's no room to swing it in here and leaps on the crawler, bear hugging it's midsection. Its skin oozes slippery goo and he has a hard time getting a grip. I can see cola twitching halfway down is throat because its skin is transparent. Her skin is starting to dissolve. I bravely throw up on Batman.
To my shock and dismay, Elfis runs past me, leaps up and wedges one foot on the crawlers bottom jaw and wrenches it open, shoving his grubby guitar in its maw to wedge it open... the creature bucked and writhed about, trying to shake off Aaahnult and Elfis and get to Abe who was starting to back away rather quickly.... but its hard to hide when you are the light!
Batman waddles as fast as his rotund slobbering frame and muster and latches onto the beasts tail.
"There's a whole lotta shakin goin' on" sings Elfis with a mad gleam in his eye as he reaches down the beasts deep throat with his one spare hand and grabs Cola's hand.
The strings twang and snap on the dodgy guitar as it begins to bow under the pressure of the beasts jaws...
This can't be happening... Elfis can't be the Hero!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Fools rush in...
"Oh mein got!, ve haf to save her from das ooky crawly wormy think!" Said Aahnult rushing into the mouth of the cave, his horns striking sparks as they scrape across the narrow stone entrance of the cave.
"Snort warf warf " came the muffled warcry of Batman the bulldog as he followed.
"Yes!, in and save her men" said Abe... standing as far away from the mouth of the cave as possible."
Jeem Bo sauntered up behind Abe the bookworm and shoved him into the cave entrance.
"Go on bookworm mun, dey need your magic smarts in der. I'll be out 'ere guardin yer rear. Can't have anuvva wun of dem critters sneakin up yer behind. Mun. I mean sneakin up behind you. Besides... der might be magic treasure"
Abe cast Jeem Bo a filthy look.
"Treasure?... where?" My mind had finished editing out the horror of Cola's attacker.... and replacing it with shiny objects. I rushed into the cave pushing Abe in front of me...
"Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread" mutter Elfis and followed us playing a rousing ditty on his banjo. Dunt da da daaaa!
Jeem Bo scanned the darkening forest around him... were the shadows moving? Off in the distance he heard a wolf howl, and somewhere a moose..er.... moose-noised. A twig cracked loudly in the forest... Jeem Bo turned, warhammer in one hand, bottle in the other... and stood there with smoke drifting from his head like a not quite dormant volcano. Did that shadow - the large angry moose shaped one just move?... or was it his imagination?
********* VOTE *************
So... did it?...
If it did something terribly unfortunate might happen to Jeem Bo... and if that happened who would guard our heroic rescue parties rear and prevent something equally unfortunate from happening to their rears??
"Snort warf warf " came the muffled warcry of Batman the bulldog as he followed.
"Yes!, in and save her men" said Abe... standing as far away from the mouth of the cave as possible."
Jeem Bo sauntered up behind Abe the bookworm and shoved him into the cave entrance.
"Go on bookworm mun, dey need your magic smarts in der. I'll be out 'ere guardin yer rear. Can't have anuvva wun of dem critters sneakin up yer behind. Mun. I mean sneakin up behind you. Besides... der might be magic treasure"
Abe cast Jeem Bo a filthy look.
"Treasure?... where?" My mind had finished editing out the horror of Cola's attacker.... and replacing it with shiny objects. I rushed into the cave pushing Abe in front of me...
"Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread" mutter Elfis and followed us playing a rousing ditty on his banjo. Dunt da da daaaa!
Jeem Bo scanned the darkening forest around him... were the shadows moving? Off in the distance he heard a wolf howl, and somewhere a moose..er.... moose-noised. A twig cracked loudly in the forest... Jeem Bo turned, warhammer in one hand, bottle in the other... and stood there with smoke drifting from his head like a not quite dormant volcano. Did that shadow - the large angry moose shaped one just move?... or was it his imagination?
********* VOTE *************
So... did it?...
If it did something terribly unfortunate might happen to Jeem Bo... and if that happened who would guard our heroic rescue parties rear and prevent something equally unfortunate from happening to their rears??
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
and a chair as well
"Well... I guess I'll have to go in and take a look then" Said Cola.
A long bladed dagger appeared seemingly by magic in her hand and she crept into the mouth of the cave.
"Vill she be ok on her own or vill I follow and protect her" Asked the cow
"Mun, der is no point 'er sneakin with you clankin and snortin along behind her" Said Pothead.
"Besides, what creature would want to eat her scrawny demonspawn hide?" said Bookworm.
"Don't be cruel..." said you know who...
A few minutes later Cola materialized again from the shadows of the cave.
"Well.. there is a bear in there... but its rather dead... in fact it looks like its been swallowed and then spat back out. Most ooky. All covered in slime and what not. Also... curiously there's a chair as well... also covered in slobber. But i couldn't see -"
Suddenly a disgusting creature leapt from the cave behind her. Almost transparent it was like a large centipede with a massive mouth fill of wickedly glass like teeth. It made not a sound as it seized her from behind, sucking her down its throat as it withdrew back into the cave. The last thing the party saw was the look of horror on her face as she vanished into its mouth.
******* VOTING TIME ******
Will the party attempt a rescue? or run away?... who will rescue cola?
A long bladed dagger appeared seemingly by magic in her hand and she crept into the mouth of the cave.
"Vill she be ok on her own or vill I follow and protect her" Asked the cow
"Mun, der is no point 'er sneakin with you clankin and snortin along behind her" Said Pothead.
"Besides, what creature would want to eat her scrawny demonspawn hide?" said Bookworm.
"Don't be cruel..." said you know who...
A few minutes later Cola materialized again from the shadows of the cave.
"Well.. there is a bear in there... but its rather dead... in fact it looks like its been swallowed and then spat back out. Most ooky. All covered in slime and what not. Also... curiously there's a chair as well... also covered in slobber. But i couldn't see -"
Suddenly a disgusting creature leapt from the cave behind her. Almost transparent it was like a large centipede with a massive mouth fill of wickedly glass like teeth. It made not a sound as it seized her from behind, sucking her down its throat as it withdrew back into the cave. The last thing the party saw was the look of horror on her face as she vanished into its mouth.
******* VOTING TIME ******
Will the party attempt a rescue? or run away?... who will rescue cola?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
A bear in there...
12 Hours* of hardcore forced march later in sweltering heat through thick undergrowth and slashing thorn bushs :
"Vell vot now mein veely velly brave comrades?" Said Mad Cow
"Mun, ah aint goin in no cave. Ah swear - der's a bear in der!" Said Jeem Bo
"And just how do you figure Mr Bo" I asked the dreadlocked smokestack.
"Ahh just know. Aah can smell bear miles away. Had bad experiences wid bears, Dey are bastards. Mun"
"Well if there is a bear in there, it hasn't been in or out for a while - the entrance is pretty blocked with bush's and nice prickly bushes. I think its a bunny you can smell, not a bear." Said Cola
"Veely! Bunnies!, i'm so excited!" Said cowhead.
"Mmmm bunnies.... stew." Mumbled Cola
"I'm surpised he can smell anything after billowing smoke all day like a bad tempered volcano" Said Abe the Bookworm
"Aah is not bad tempered mun, ahh is coool mun. Relaxed. Chillin'. But I aint goin in no cave"
"Vel it is getting dark, Ze moon is being full tonight and ve could shelter in das cave if der is only bunnies!"
"Blue moon... you saw me standing a-"
Cola threw a silencing look at jumpsuit idiot.
"So... is there a bear in there?... or just bunnies?.. or should we just continue deeper into the forest?" I asked...
************VOTING TIME ************
Enter the cave?...y/n
If yes - who will check for bears?
* 12 hours : 2 hours walking, several hours panting, sleeping, bitching, moaning and combing hair.
"Vell vot now mein veely velly brave comrades?" Said Mad Cow
"Mun, ah aint goin in no cave. Ah swear - der's a bear in der!" Said Jeem Bo
"And just how do you figure Mr Bo" I asked the dreadlocked smokestack.
"Ahh just know. Aah can smell bear miles away. Had bad experiences wid bears, Dey are bastards. Mun"
"Well if there is a bear in there, it hasn't been in or out for a while - the entrance is pretty blocked with bush's and nice prickly bushes. I think its a bunny you can smell, not a bear." Said Cola
"Veely! Bunnies!, i'm so excited!" Said cowhead.
"Mmmm bunnies.... stew." Mumbled Cola
"I'm surpised he can smell anything after billowing smoke all day like a bad tempered volcano" Said Abe the Bookworm
"Aah is not bad tempered mun, ahh is coool mun. Relaxed. Chillin'. But I aint goin in no cave"
"Vel it is getting dark, Ze moon is being full tonight and ve could shelter in das cave if der is only bunnies!"
"Blue moon... you saw me standing a-"
Cola threw a silencing look at jumpsuit idiot.
"So... is there a bear in there?... or just bunnies?.. or should we just continue deeper into the forest?" I asked...
************VOTING TIME ************
Enter the cave?...y/n
If yes - who will check for bears?
* 12 hours : 2 hours walking, several hours panting, sleeping, bitching, moaning and combing hair.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
If you go down to the woods today...
"Well Mun, aah say we give de Forest Road a crack mun, I 'eard on ze grapevine dat der might even be forest nymphs der. Mun" Said Jeem Bo's voice from somewhere in the middle of a new smog cloud that had formed around his head.
"Veely!?, I is soo excited!, Ve get to find das beast from bourbon maybe! unt perhaps ein nymphs as vell! I heard dat Nymphs vill clean your leiderhousen for only a penny!" exclaimed Aaahnult jumping around with excitement.
"Thats Sprites you giant furry buffoon. Some sprites sneak into you house at night and clean things up ... allegedly. I think you have to do them favours though too, you know... give up your first born, sell tupperware or your soul etc. As a side note, they cook up quite nicely with some sate sauce. Makes a nice kebab." Said Cola
"Nymphs on the other hand might try to at least get you out of that leiderhousen... but there won't be anything clean going on... and they can be quite dangerous too" Said Abe, the uppity bookworm wizard.
"They're the devil in disguise. A huh huh" said the gem spangled idiot.
"Grouff snort drool"
"Ok then people, bovines, canines, jumpsuited retards etc... I guess it's onward into the forest. I kinda do hope we find sprites... I'm feeling a little peckish. Or a bunny. mmm Bunnies" Said Cola, shouldering her pack and heading towards the dark and creepy forest.
Eventually I looked up and realised that while i'd been checking my hair I'd been left behind... so I scurried off after them. I wonder what tupperware is. Sounds a little ominous.
"Veely!?, I is soo excited!, Ve get to find das beast from bourbon maybe! unt perhaps ein nymphs as vell! I heard dat Nymphs vill clean your leiderhousen for only a penny!" exclaimed Aaahnult jumping around with excitement.
"Thats Sprites you giant furry buffoon. Some sprites sneak into you house at night and clean things up ... allegedly. I think you have to do them favours though too, you know... give up your first born, sell tupperware or your soul etc. As a side note, they cook up quite nicely with some sate sauce. Makes a nice kebab." Said Cola
"Nymphs on the other hand might try to at least get you out of that leiderhousen... but there won't be anything clean going on... and they can be quite dangerous too" Said Abe, the uppity bookworm wizard.
"They're the devil in disguise. A huh huh" said the gem spangled idiot.
"Grouff snort drool"
"Ok then people, bovines, canines, jumpsuited retards etc... I guess it's onward into the forest. I kinda do hope we find sprites... I'm feeling a little peckish. Or a bunny. mmm Bunnies" Said Cola, shouldering her pack and heading towards the dark and creepy forest.
Eventually I looked up and realised that while i'd been checking my hair I'd been left behind... so I scurried off after them. I wonder what tupperware is. Sounds a little ominous.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
A fork in the road
Ok, so we've left the confines of the grassy pub and hit the road. We have to travel some distance yet to a ruin that is half buried in the ground. Cola was pretty vague about the details - telling me that I will be of great use looking for pressure switches and triggers. Not sure what she meant exactly...
Anyhow... to the conversation :
"Vell ve now huv ein choice don't ve" Said Aaahnult
"A-huh huh" Said the pointy eared twat.
"A choice?" I asked as I looked up from a piece of mirror that had somehow made it into my pocket.
"Vell, der is apparently ein monster loose about das forest!, za Beast of Bourbon! unt ve can get to the ruins though das forest ya?, i vould veely love ein new loincloth made from das Beast from Burbon ya!"
"While there are also the moors, and another fell beast - the dread Becclehoff to avoid in that direction and I for one don't want to catch what ever the hell these two freaks did that makes them do all that slow motion crap." said Cola
"Whilst both of those rumours do sound forboding did you hear about young Billy being taken by that stinking thing in the darkness down by the old coast path?" said Abe trying to look all self important and clever.
"Snuffle woof slobber grrrrowflt" said Batman, licking his wotsits.
"Soo Mun, der would seem (hiccup) to be a choice to be made mah bruvvas : de Moors mun, The Forest or the Coastal Path. Mun. And we avta shoose wun on deez paths to get der. mun. " Said Jeembo, rolling up a joint big enough to club seals to death with.
**************** AND NOW FOR THE TEST ***************
This is where things get interactive. Leave a comment, vote for a path and decide where the party heads. It will be interesting to see if there is more than 2 votes! ;-). Not sure if this will work or not... Moors, Forest or Coast Road.
Anyhow... to the conversation :
"Vell ve now huv ein choice don't ve" Said Aaahnult
"A-huh huh" Said the pointy eared twat.
"A choice?" I asked as I looked up from a piece of mirror that had somehow made it into my pocket.
"Vell, der is apparently ein monster loose about das forest!, za Beast of Bourbon! unt ve can get to the ruins though das forest ya?, i vould veely love ein new loincloth made from das Beast from Burbon ya!"
"While there are also the moors, and another fell beast - the dread Becclehoff to avoid in that direction and I for one don't want to catch what ever the hell these two freaks did that makes them do all that slow motion crap." said Cola
"Whilst both of those rumours do sound forboding did you hear about young Billy being taken by that stinking thing in the darkness down by the old coast path?" said Abe trying to look all self important and clever.
"Snuffle woof slobber grrrrowflt" said Batman, licking his wotsits.
"Soo Mun, der would seem (hiccup) to be a choice to be made mah bruvvas : de Moors mun, The Forest or the Coastal Path. Mun. And we avta shoose wun on deez paths to get der. mun. " Said Jeembo, rolling up a joint big enough to club seals to death with.
**************** AND NOW FOR THE TEST ***************
This is where things get interactive. Leave a comment, vote for a path and decide where the party heads. It will be interesting to see if there is more than 2 votes! ;-). Not sure if this will work or not... Moors, Forest or Coast Road.
The B Team
Finally.... the last member of the troupe has arrived. A bookish looking fellow, all spectacles and clumsyness. His name is Abe and he claims to be a wizard. Some people will use any excuse to wear a dress...oh..er... a Robe... he calls it.
So here we have it :
Abe : Poncy dress wearin wizard.
Cola : The rogue (she doesn't like the word thief, also the brains of the op)
Aaahnult : The warrior (the opposite of the brains of the op)
Elfis : A bard, a singer and historian. A twat.
Jeembo : A priest apparently... though he seems to worship a bottle. After seeing his plight - to be risking life and limb with these lunatics i don't much blame him.
Batman : A drooling leg humping dog with a face like a kicked in trashcan.
And me... the mighty and devilishly goodlooking Lord F.C. Falconbruger with so many talents that they couldn't possibly be listed here.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...a team of professionals... but if they are busy then maybe you can hire us instead.
So here we have it :
Abe : Poncy dress wearin wizard.
Cola : The rogue (she doesn't like the word thief, also the brains of the op)
Aaahnult : The warrior (the opposite of the brains of the op)
Elfis : A bard, a singer and historian. A twat.
Jeembo : A priest apparently... though he seems to worship a bottle. After seeing his plight - to be risking life and limb with these lunatics i don't much blame him.
Batman : A drooling leg humping dog with a face like a kicked in trashcan.
And me... the mighty and devilishly goodlooking Lord F.C. Falconbruger with so many talents that they couldn't possibly be listed here.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...a team of professionals... but if they are busy then maybe you can hire us instead.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Idle Gossip
Another day has passed… this tavern seems to be the meeting place for a few other bands of adventurers. There are always the story tellers… tales of gold and glory… and that idiot elfis crapping on about his blue shoes every hour or so.
Here are some random snippits from random drunkards :
“Oooh arrr…. Be careful out on moors… don’t go out thaaar at night…”
“Ahh don’t know what it was… all I know is there was this eerie ‘ollow sound… like wind blowin across a bottle… and a gawd awful smell, like a big old privy bucket...then me mate billy was gone… taken in the darkness by some eeevil stinkin' thing…down by the old coast road”
"Oooh Arr... speakin of mad hatters, did yer see the ridiculous hat Zeike had on last week when 'e staggered in 'ere. 'e looks a right twat... it looks like a grass hut.
"Av yer seen thut wee lass Nicosugarsmack about?.. ahh do mis her drunken table dancin'..arr....she's a mad lass thut wun!"
“A swear.. this crazy fool came walkin up outta the ocean wearin some stupid kinda bucket on his head with pokey horns and stuff… almost looked as mad as Aaaahnult… even had a leather gimp suit on like woshername the angry girl that hangs out with that bunch. ‘E was skinny as ‘ell too.. like ‘ed been starved for weeks. ‘e looked like an angry whippet shrink wrapped in licorice.”
"Slate!, let us pray! oh mighty slate"
“Beware the beast on the moors…beware the dreaded Becclehoff… tis a fell creature of the night…”
"Woot woot!"
"Veely?, der is ein new monster loose? das beast of burbon? wot!
"Ohh Arr... young Robynn's right, it does look good in leather"
“Get yer fuggin dog orf me leg or I’ll turn im into sausages”
"He aint nothin but a hound dog..."
Sigh. Commoners… this must be how they pass their days. Making up stories.
Here are some random snippits from random drunkards :
“Oooh arrr…. Be careful out on moors… don’t go out thaaar at night…”
“Ahh don’t know what it was… all I know is there was this eerie ‘ollow sound… like wind blowin across a bottle… and a gawd awful smell, like a big old privy bucket...then me mate billy was gone… taken in the darkness by some eeevil stinkin' thing…down by the old coast road”
"Oooh Arr... speakin of mad hatters, did yer see the ridiculous hat Zeike had on last week when 'e staggered in 'ere. 'e looks a right twat... it looks like a grass hut.
"Av yer seen thut wee lass Nicosugarsmack about?.. ahh do mis her drunken table dancin'..arr....she's a mad lass thut wun!"
“A swear.. this crazy fool came walkin up outta the ocean wearin some stupid kinda bucket on his head with pokey horns and stuff… almost looked as mad as Aaaahnult… even had a leather gimp suit on like woshername the angry girl that hangs out with that bunch. ‘E was skinny as ‘ell too.. like ‘ed been starved for weeks. ‘e looked like an angry whippet shrink wrapped in licorice.”
"Slate!, let us pray! oh mighty slate"
“Beware the beast on the moors…beware the dreaded Becclehoff… tis a fell creature of the night…”
"Woot woot!"
"Veely?, der is ein new monster loose? das beast of burbon? wot!
"Ohh Arr... young Robynn's right, it does look good in leather"
“Get yer fuggin dog orf me leg or I’ll turn im into sausages”
"He aint nothin but a hound dog..."
Sigh. Commoners… this must be how they pass their days. Making up stories.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Motley Crew
So I’ve joined up with this motley crew of adventury types… being highly skilled of course I was a shoe in for the job. They’ve even given me a nickname “NoobyPawnSacrifice” which is nice… not sure what language it is in but I’m sure it means hero or Mr Manly Man or something suitable for a Lord like myself.
Apparently Cola, the small black ..er… coloured girl is the brains of the operation. Her pointy teeth and catlike tail come from some thing bad in her ancestry where her mother was the victim of some sort of demonic spell. Nasty stuff I imagine… but she seems to have benefited by inheriting night vision and lightning fast reflexes. She also cuts a mean figure in leather, everything goes with black apparently.
Elfis, the buffoon in the white jumpsuit is a Bard. So far as I can tell his skills are in the are of playing guitar rather badly and getting in the way. He apparently is writing an epic poetic story about the group.. so if we live.. we shall be famous.
Then there’s Aaahnult the Minotaur. He’s the muscle… if something needs to be negotiated with he will negitiate it into lots of little bloody pieces. I think he’s the one who insists on bringing the elven prat in the jumpsuit because he tends to pose a lot. Posing works better with a soundtrack. Apparently they were attacked once by some nasty beast called a Becclehoff which infects one with occasional attacks of 80's slow motion montage... whatever that is.
The mad bastard outside on the box called Jeem Bo is also part of the troupe. When confronted with something they are calling the undead (I’m not sure what they are but the description (stinky cold bloodsucking bastards) makes me think of lawyers or bankers) he apparently has some power over them.
There is one other member apparently, a wizard or something who will be joining us soon. I hope he’s talented… or we’re all going to die horribly.
Oh… and the bulldog is the mascot… apparently he used to be a member of the group but something bad happened to him… not quite sure what that means. But I do wish he’d stop humping my leg.
Oh well…I think as I comb my hair and admire my reflection in a pool of spilled Slate… at least I’ll make leave a beautiful corpse.
Apparently Cola, the small black ..er… coloured girl is the brains of the operation. Her pointy teeth and catlike tail come from some thing bad in her ancestry where her mother was the victim of some sort of demonic spell. Nasty stuff I imagine… but she seems to have benefited by inheriting night vision and lightning fast reflexes. She also cuts a mean figure in leather, everything goes with black apparently.
Elfis, the buffoon in the white jumpsuit is a Bard. So far as I can tell his skills are in the are of playing guitar rather badly and getting in the way. He apparently is writing an epic poetic story about the group.. so if we live.. we shall be famous.
Then there’s Aaahnult the Minotaur. He’s the muscle… if something needs to be negotiated with he will negitiate it into lots of little bloody pieces. I think he’s the one who insists on bringing the elven prat in the jumpsuit because he tends to pose a lot. Posing works better with a soundtrack. Apparently they were attacked once by some nasty beast called a Becclehoff which infects one with occasional attacks of 80's slow motion montage... whatever that is.
The mad bastard outside on the box called Jeem Bo is also part of the troupe. When confronted with something they are calling the undead (I’m not sure what they are but the description (stinky cold bloodsucking bastards) makes me think of lawyers or bankers) he apparently has some power over them.
There is one other member apparently, a wizard or something who will be joining us soon. I hope he’s talented… or we’re all going to die horribly.
Oh… and the bulldog is the mascot… apparently he used to be a member of the group but something bad happened to him… not quite sure what that means. But I do wish he’d stop humping my leg.
Oh well…I think as I comb my hair and admire my reflection in a pool of spilled Slate… at least I’ll make leave a beautiful corpse.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Stool sample
Aaaaahhhhhhh…er...ouch.... what the hell happened to me?. I woke up with a barstool wedged in a place that stool is only meant to exit… not enter!.
However could that have happened?… I must have slipped and fell… like that time in the bathroom back at the castle when I er…got sick…. That time that had nothing to do with hitting my elbow on the sink when I fell off it…er… Not that I would be standing on it and looking across the courtyard into that young ladies tower window.
er… what was my point…?
Anyway… last night there may have been some drinking involved… I feel like someone’s taken a bucket of wet sand and poured it into my head. There was a lot of tale telling and carrying on. The minotaur and his crew seemed fairly well off in the gold department too.
From what scattered bit of memory I have left I think the Minotaur, the blue shoed hair piece-o-doom wearin’ hippy “Elfis”, and the black tail whipping lass they call “Cola” are adventurers or some such crap. Apparently they break into old abandoned ruins, castles, dungeons etc and liberate the leftovers of kingdoms past.
Sounds like blatant thievery to me…
Sign me up.
However could that have happened?… I must have slipped and fell… like that time in the bathroom back at the castle when I er…got sick…. That time that had nothing to do with hitting my elbow on the sink when I fell off it…er… Not that I would be standing on it and looking across the courtyard into that young ladies tower window.
er… what was my point…?
Anyway… last night there may have been some drinking involved… I feel like someone’s taken a bucket of wet sand and poured it into my head. There was a lot of tale telling and carrying on. The minotaur and his crew seemed fairly well off in the gold department too.
From what scattered bit of memory I have left I think the Minotaur, the blue shoed hair piece-o-doom wearin’ hippy “Elfis”, and the black tail whipping lass they call “Cola” are adventurers or some such crap. Apparently they break into old abandoned ruins, castles, dungeons etc and liberate the leftovers of kingdoms past.
Sounds like blatant thievery to me…
Sign me up.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
F word.
So I’ve been in thish shpub for hoursh now. Shlate tashts like arsh but good arsh. Oops that shounds a bit orf dunnit?. Farkin minotaur and is farkin drinking competitions. Farker. And thish orther farker elfish, alvis, whatdafark finks ‘e can shing. I tell’im ders more den sayin ‘ah huh farkin huh’ to make yerself a singer. Fancy farkin blue shooz or not. And dis... dis farken dorg... farkin buttman the barkin bullshit ..opps..snigger... dawg.. i wish the farker would git orf me farkin leg. E's gawn and drooled all over me duds the farker... at least i farkin 'ope its only drool. farker.
Oi I reckon thish farken black chick with the tale farken fancies me… I mean how could ge not cos 'om so farken alluring and all...I fink I’ll go farken pinch her arsh cos chicks dig that yeah!
Oi I reckon thish farken black chick with the tale farken fancies me… I mean how could ge not cos 'om so farken alluring and all...I fink I’ll go farken pinch her arsh cos chicks dig that yeah!
Monday, October 23, 2006
A load of bull.
Ok… So it’s not actually a cow as such. I didn’t actually know these things really existed. I thought they were myths like tooth fairies, honest lawyers and true love. It’s a Minotaur. He straightens up once he’s through the door to tower at about 7ft in height, his horns only just avoiding the ceiling rafters. He wears a leather kilt and has a big cigar hanging out of his mouth… smoke curls from his large bovine nostrils.
The bulldog ‘Batman' rushes over …well... as much as a bulldog can rush and huffs and puffs around the Minotaurs hooves wagging its stumpy tail with excitement as torrents of drool plops and slops from its very lippy maw.
“Behold, Aaahnult the Amaysink. Vorsheep deis vonderful beevvfcake boody unt bask in mine glory ya” The Minotaur proclaimed in a voice that sounded like it really should belong to someone wearing a spandex leotard on a rainbow coloured parade float surrounded by a number of other similarly attired and buffed, waxed and oiled up fellows all named Percy.
Mad cow disease?
But are you gonna tell a seven foot tall half man half bull that?
I don’t think so.
Aaahnult proceeded to strike a beefy muscle flexing pose in the doorway while some other people edged their way around him. From behind Aaahnult come two more freakshows… a lithe girl with jet black skin, pointy ears and a long tail poking out of her leather pants She smiles at the barkeep, presenting a pair of catlike fangs and slaps a few coins on the grassy knoll we’re using as a bar. Following her is a near opposite, a slightly chubby fellow, also with pointed ears and tsunami of black hair oiled and slicked up in such a way that his forehead was a good 2 inches higher than the back of his head. He wears a tight white leather suit speckled with cheap gems and bits of glass. He carries a guitar of some description.
I’m starting to think I’m a lot further from home that I thought.
The bulldog ‘Batman' rushes over …well... as much as a bulldog can rush and huffs and puffs around the Minotaurs hooves wagging its stumpy tail with excitement as torrents of drool plops and slops from its very lippy maw.
“Behold, Aaahnult the Amaysink. Vorsheep deis vonderful beevvfcake boody unt bask in mine glory ya” The Minotaur proclaimed in a voice that sounded like it really should belong to someone wearing a spandex leotard on a rainbow coloured parade float surrounded by a number of other similarly attired and buffed, waxed and oiled up fellows all named Percy.
Mad cow disease?
But are you gonna tell a seven foot tall half man half bull that?
I don’t think so.
Aaahnult proceeded to strike a beefy muscle flexing pose in the doorway while some other people edged their way around him. From behind Aaahnult come two more freakshows… a lithe girl with jet black skin, pointy ears and a long tail poking out of her leather pants She smiles at the barkeep, presenting a pair of catlike fangs and slaps a few coins on the grassy knoll we’re using as a bar. Following her is a near opposite, a slightly chubby fellow, also with pointed ears and tsunami of black hair oiled and slicked up in such a way that his forehead was a good 2 inches higher than the back of his head. He wears a tight white leather suit speckled with cheap gems and bits of glass. He carries a guitar of some description.
I’m starting to think I’m a lot further from home that I thought.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Batman begins
I wake up laying on a soft verdant green field…a gentle breeze blowing on my face… and then my vision clears and I realise that I’m laying on the ‘carpet’ in the pub. The wind is the huff puff panting of a bulldog with a face like a kicked in trashcan sitting 2 inches away from my face. Casually I pick myself up off the floor and right my mushroom laden stool before sitting back at the bar again. Strangely I have no muck on my face… seems to be clean… though a little wet.
“So…er…. What exactly is in this” I ask, indicating the tankard.
“Izzlate” Says the captain beardy of the good ship alcohol.
“Izzlate?... interesting…er… locally brewed?” I ask, my voice raspy.
“NahludnorIzzlate…Is…Slate. Brewedinaweesockfullorocks.”
“Ah.. Slate” I vaguely remember the mad bastard on the box outside. “Brewed where?”
I am about to ask him where Innaweesockfullorock is when the door opens and a gigantic cow walks into the bar. It’s wearing a kilt.
The bulldog barks and the beardy bartender Says “Keep it down Batman! Ye stoopid mutt!, I told ye they’d come back for ye.”
I look at the Captain Beardy behind the bar, I look at the towering kilt wearing cow man in the door way and the rotund bulldog apparently named 'Batman'... and then eye the Slate suspiciously...
“So…er…. What exactly is in this” I ask, indicating the tankard.
“Izzlate” Says the captain beardy of the good ship alcohol.
“Izzlate?... interesting…er… locally brewed?” I ask, my voice raspy.
“NahludnorIzzlate…Is…Slate. Brewedinaweesockfullorocks.”
“Ah.. Slate” I vaguely remember the mad bastard on the box outside. “Brewed where?”
I am about to ask him where Innaweesockfullorock is when the door opens and a gigantic cow walks into the bar. It’s wearing a kilt.
The bulldog barks and the beardy bartender Says “Keep it down Batman! Ye stoopid mutt!, I told ye they’d come back for ye.”
I look at the Captain Beardy behind the bar, I look at the towering kilt wearing cow man in the door way and the rotund bulldog apparently named 'Batman'... and then eye the Slate suspiciously...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Bars n mushrooms.
So here I sit in the local pub. A grubby little place with carpet that is either green or just really really needs mowing or dowsing in mold killer. Seems to be a fair array of foreigners about… people dressed for travel and such. I pick up a stool that someone knocked over, noting the mushrooms sprouting on its underside and perch myself at the ancient wooden bar.
I put one of my recently earned coins onto the grubby surface and the barkeep ambles over. He’s a stocky fellow… in fact to draw you a mental picture just imagine a big pair of brawny shoulders with Popeye type forearms attached, connect the shoulders with a beard like a rug full of mushrooms and put some eyes and a bulbous hairy nose in between the shoulders and then just add boots. He’s a dwarf.
Apparently the other side of the bar is higher than this side because he appears to be of normal height from this side. He takes the coin and dumps a metal tankard down in front of me.
Not wanting to look like a girly man I take a large manly swig of the offered beverage. My eyes water… if I’d taken a feral cat, dunked it in bucket of “make cat angry” and then slapped it a few times before trying to swallow it… well that would have hurt my throat less.
Vision... tilting....
I put one of my recently earned coins onto the grubby surface and the barkeep ambles over. He’s a stocky fellow… in fact to draw you a mental picture just imagine a big pair of brawny shoulders with Popeye type forearms attached, connect the shoulders with a beard like a rug full of mushrooms and put some eyes and a bulbous hairy nose in between the shoulders and then just add boots. He’s a dwarf.
Apparently the other side of the bar is higher than this side because he appears to be of normal height from this side. He takes the coin and dumps a metal tankard down in front of me.
Not wanting to look like a girly man I take a large manly swig of the offered beverage. My eyes water… if I’d taken a feral cat, dunked it in bucket of “make cat angry” and then slapped it a few times before trying to swallow it… well that would have hurt my throat less.
Vision... tilting....
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